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The Dangers of Watching Bruce Willis Movies

by admin September 17, 2008 10:41 am
The Dangers of Watching Bruce Willis Movies

Ladies and Gentlemen, if I may be serious here for a moment. Please listen up. This is a public service announcement from Movies Without Pity, and your undivided attention can save your life. Since the surgeon general won't tell you the truth, I suppose I have to: Bruce Willis movies can cause you to lose your mind and act irrationally! Unfortunately, we don't know which movie or combination of movies cause this affliction, so err on the side of caution and throw out every single Bruce Willis movie you own! Do it now, people! This is not a drill! Otherwise you'll wind up like this guy.

Let's analyze this, shall we? The poor, tasered naked man in this story told police that Allah told him to watch a Bruce Willis movie and then walk the dog. Messages from God never come with explicit instructions nowadays -- they always seem to be some kind of riddle or parable -- so we'll have to speculate on what movie got the Heavenly Endorsement. The nudity aspect leads me to ask, "Was the movie Color of Night?" In that film, Bruce plays a shrink whose patients are a motley crew suffering from screenwriter-designed afflictions, like the ability to somehow nail-gun themselves to a chair. Bruce gets real nekkid, causing the MPAA to demand cuts to Little Brucie's screen time (never fear, perverts -- the unrated version's on DVD). It's a terrible movie, which is also known as "a dog" in some circles, and there's nudity and psychiatry galore. So this must be the movie, right?

But wait! What about Hudson Hawk? It's bad enough to make you bang your head on a hard surface until you've lost your wits. Sandra Bernhard's in it, along with an actual dog, the latter of which Bruce murders with a tennis ball. Willis also sings the Oscar winning Bing Crosby classic, "Swinging on a Star;" if our protagonist dog-walker had been found with Q-Tips shoved in his ears, we could point the finger at this one. [Hey, I've watched Hudson Hawk many times, and I'm not that crazy. - Zach]

Was it North? Sunset? Breakfast of Champions? Blind Date? The Bonfire of the Vanities? We could speculate for hours, and since the news story makes no mention of the condition of the naked man's euphemistic doggie, we can't rule out a great movie like Die Hard either. I was right the first time: Throw all your Bruce DVDs away. You can thank me later.

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