As you've undoubtedly read by now, Christian Bale was arrested (and later released without charges) in London earlier this week after police responded to reports of verbal assault that were allegedly called in by Bale's sister and mom. WTF, Christian? Just because no one's singing your praises for being the straight man in the excellent-as-all-get-out new Batman flick doesn't mean you have to freak out on your mom and sister, dude. That old chestnut about all publicity being good publicity? Doesn't really extend to domestic abuse.

Richard Roeper announced Sunday that he will be leaving At the Movies With Ebert & Roeper after eight years, after failing to reach a contract with Disney-ABC for a ninth season. For Roeper, it hasn't been the same since co-host Roger Ebert became sick and was unable to be on the show for most of the past two seasons.

Variety reports that MGM was, like, vegging out at the mall one day, and this one guy was like, "Oh my gawd, we should, like, so totally remake a bitchin' movie!" And this one other guy was all, like, "Duh, I was totally just thinking the same thing!" Then the first guy was all, "No way! Fer sure?" and the other guy goes, like, "Totally fer sure! Oh my gawd, wouldn't it be way rad if everyone was, like, singing and dancing in it?" and then they were both, like, "Awesome to the max!" And thus the musical remake of 1983's Valley Girl was born.

I got somethin' ta say. Everyone who wants to cash in on the "quirky nerd comedy" phenomenon that Napoleon Dynamite spawned -- um, four years ago -- needs to stop. As does the inevitable critical comparison that such films engender: "It's Napoleon Dynamite meets Shoa! With a dash of South Pacific!" Know who's not immune to my admonishment? Napoleon Dynamite. Or rather, the new movie Jon Heder is producing and slated to star in, Loudermilk, which is being touted as "Napoleon Dynamite if he had superpowers." Wow. That's original! Why not take two vastly overdone filmic trends and graft one on to the other to ensure that they're double-crappy?

Please allow me this short rant. When I went to see Hellboy II, I walked into a theater that looked like a shrine to ABBA. There were at least five posters for Mamma Mia hanging from the ceiling. MM's star, Amanda Seyfried, stared accusingly at me from my popcorn and soda containers, as if to say "I can't believe you ordered a Diet Pepsi to go with that extra large tub of popcorn." The player piano in the lobby loudly played an ABBA tune that, absent the insipid lyrics, sounded prettier than I remembered. "I hate that song," said the pimply-faced teen who, a few seconds prior, had bogarted me into buying the aforementioned extra large popcorn "for just fifty cents more!" I looked at his name tag and understood where his ABBA hatred stemmed from: The tag said Fernando.

If you were one of the over 52 million viewers who tuned in to see the last episode of Friends, wishing it could go on and on, and were elated when rumors surfaced of a big-screen movie, I have bad news for you: It isn't happening. If, on the other hand, you were one of the over 52 million viewers who tuned in to see the last episode of Friends, just to make sure it was really and truly finally dead, and were annoyed when rumors surfaced of a big screen movie, I have good news for you: It isn't happening!

Hollywood likes to capitalize on dead horses before the flies start to gather -- look no further than the I Love The New Millenium franchise for proof. The fact that producers waited a full four years after Sex and the City went off the air to flip it for the big screen belied an unusual level of restraint, but it seems to have functioned as a protracted cock-tease -- the film was a rampant success that broke all sorts of records in terms of box office gold for a lady-centric movie.

And now it seems the folks behind Friends are hoping for a similar fate -- rumors have surfaced once again that a silver screen adaptation is in the works.

Earlier today, I said that Angelina Jolie's impending birth of twins was being treated like an M. Night Shyamalan movie. You probably said, "didn't that guy's English teacher warn him about overuse of hyperbole?" Well, guess what? That suspenseful news conference the Associated Press kept pimping all morning has turned out just like a Shyamalan movie: There's a surprise twist, and it sucks. Jolie isn't having her babies anytime soon.

Sometimes you get a nice slow one pitched across the plate. To promote Meet Dave, the new Eddie Murphy movie opening July 11th, Twentieth Century-Fox is using a 15-foot replica of Murphy's head. The 3-ton noggin has made appearances in Washington D.C., and should be in Times Square by the time you read this. The latest proof that all marketing people should be tarred and feathered is also interactive. No, it doesn't scream profanities! This is the PG-rated Ed-DEE, safe for kids and blue-haired old ladies! It's interactive because, as the newscaster on this site explains in the web video, you can actually climb into the replica of Eddie Murphy's head. Why on Earth would you want to do that, you ask? So you can find out what the hell Eddie was thinking when he made Norbit.

I think the Casting Gods are teasing me. First off, there's a rumor going around that Clint Eastwood might just sign on to play the mayor of Gotham City in the next Batman movie. And secondly, reports have surfaced that Nicolas Cage got cast in a movie that otherwise sounded like it would have been perfectly good. The two tidbits are such polar extremes they threaten to cancel each other out. My Nicolas Cage gag reflex hit me at about the same time as my Clint Eastwood WHOO! reflex, and I had to lie down for a second.