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Sly Stallone. Jet Li. Jason Statham. They Are… The Expendables!

For a production company who has not made a single movie that I have seen, Nu Image/Millennium Films has managed to put together a movie that I would actually break out of prison to see. And, yes, it's Lindsey Lohan's Labor Pains. How did you guess?! Okay, it's not. What did actually hook me is the fact that the production house has managed to put together the Holy Trinity of Ass-Kicking, bringing together Sylvester Stallone, Jet Li and Jason Statham in one shiny package. The three actors will star in The Expendables, as a team of mercenaries who are sent to infiltrate a South American country and overthrow its ruthless dictator in order to liberate the population. Their team is hired to do jobs that no one else can or will. Duh-duh-DUH! The best part? The script was written by Stallone, who will also direct. I don't care how good or bad it is, I'm in.

I'll admit, it was the casting that got me. In the more-varied-than-you'd-think genre of action films, they got three of the most diverse headliners in the business. Different styles, different kinds of movies, and all with very different hair. I'm not going to lie, the only style missing is the almighty action mullet, and I can't tell you how fervently I'm hoping that that missing piece is filled by Chuck Norris, Jean-Claude Van Damme and Steven Seagal as the evil triumvirate of counter-mercs who work for this South American dictator. Can you imagine all six of those guys fighting each other while the evil dictator laughs manically from his evil dictator throne?

[I can, actually, since I co-wrote an entirely toy-based comic strip about it for ToyFare magazine a while back, featuring the manly movie stars of the 1980s (Stallone, Willis, Lundgren and Schwarzenegger) fighting the manly movie stars of the 1990s (Seagal, Reeves, Snipes and Van Damme) to save the manly movie stars of today (Craig, Butler, Bale and the Rock). No Li or Statham (Norris has a cameo), but you can see the storyboards for Part 1 here. - Zach]

Oh my god, what if the dictator was played by Arnold Schwarzenegger? I need a minute, you guys. I think I just blew my own mind.

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