Remake Total Recall? Blasphemy. Granted, Paul Verhoeven's 1990 re-imagining of the Philip K. Dick short story "We Can Remember It For You Wholesale" wasn't exactly faithful to the source material, but then, neither was Blade Runner, and both are masterpieces in their own way. With Colin Farrell stepping into the lead role in the film, which will take place entirely on Earth, they might as well change the name entirely, and leave Recall's legacy untainted. Or, better yet, remake these other Arnold Schwarzenegger films that could stand to be updated for the new century.
One was genetically engineered to be the ultimate man, in both mind and body. One was the leftovers. Replace Arnold with Chris "Thor" Hemsworth and Danny DeVito with Michael Cera, and you've got a hilarious odd couple ripe for a cross-country road trip, plus the perfect opportunity to find out if Hemsworth can play brainy and erudite, and Cera can play a dumb, shifty lowlife.
The Running Man
We've suggested a Running Man remake before, but only to more accurately reflect the great Stephen King novella it's based on. In this case, we would stick to the ridiculous American Gladiators-esque storyline, cast Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson in the lead role, and increase the special effects budget to show a future where the gladiators are turned into actual superheroes, and not just guys wearing hockey gear and Christmas lights.
Recent news stories (and the success of the movie Salt) have proved that the Russian threat is still an ongoing concern to American audiences. But since Arnold's disciplined, by-the-books Soviet stereotype is yesterday's news, and Russia is now better known for crime and corruption, why not reverse the characters, teaming a lackadaisical Russian detective (Sam Rockwell) with a tough, hard-ass American cop (Vin Diesel)?
There are some who consider this Schwarzenegger film a classic on a par with Total Recall. These people are correct. But its over-the-top villains and excessive use of Rae Dawn Chong make what should have been a nail-biting countdown into a laughable farce. Ideally, a grown-up Alyssa Milano would return to take on the Rae Dawn Chong role, and Jason Statham would be the one jumping out of planes and wiping out entire compounds with a mini-gun. Also the bad guy would not look and dress like a doughy Freddy Mercury. [Update: There is supposedly an update in the works with Sam Worthington attached. This is, of course, ridiculous.]
Hercules in New York
Arnold's first role was a goofy comedy in which he played a demigod walking on Earth, banished from Olympus only to find success as a professional wrestler and body builder. Rather than hiring another bodybuilder who can't act (all of Arnold's dialogue was overdubbed in the original release), this time let's hire a professional wrestler-turned actor, one whose aggressive ring persona and ripped pectorals best suit the character. Dave Batista, I'm looking at you.
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