Michael Patrick King is on the 'Net dispelling rumors that he's sending Chris Noth's Mr. Big to the big Law & Order episode in the sky. King tells the Associated Press that he's no merchant of death when it comes to his franchise. "Kill Mr. Big? I would have been chased around the planet by women with torches," he says. If Sex and the City: The Movie is the chick-flick equivalent of Star Wars: The Phantom Menace, King's torch-filled premonition may come to pass. Every woman I know is dying to get her hands on a movie ticket for the May 30th premiere or, if she's in front of the Beacon Theater, a copy of Sex And The City: The Bootleg Recorded-Off-The-Screen DVD. If it fails to delight an audience this year's summer movies continue to ignore, King may end up like that guy at the end of Revenge of the Stepford Wives.
As with any potential summer blockbuster, rumors on the Net abound. New York Magazine allegedly has one saying Charlotte (Kristen Davis) would get killed in a freak tennis accident (must...resist..."balls to the chin" joke...). Whoever wrote this rumor knows nothing about cash cows or the ,I>Sex and the City show itself. If they wanted to kill any of the show's protagonists, they'd kill perpetually whiny Miranda (Cynthia Nixon), but murdering any of the four would guarantee no more money for HBO or the show's producers. "It's a summer movie," says King "Why would I want to kill anyone?" Obviously he hasn't seen a summer movie before; they're all about killing people.
I'm a troublemaker, and since I am outing myself as a fan of the show (as if my luck with women wasn't bad enough already), I might as well toss some rumors of my own into the fray. All of these are more plausible than Charlotte getting Venus Williamsed to death or Mr. Big meeting the Man Upstairs.
Rumor No. 1: King answers a question I've always had about the show: How can Carrie Bradshaw afford to buy those $4,300 shoes on a writer's salary? The answer: Carrie Bradshaw's previous Mr. Big was disgraced New York governor Eliot Spitzer. "Does he really do it with his socks on?" asks Samantha (Kim Cattrall). "I once banged a guy who worked at Medieval Times. He never took off his armor." "I think that sock thing so unsanitary!" says Charlotte.
Rumor No. 2: There is a death in Sex and the City, and all you have to do is look at the cast to see who it is. It's not just in horror movies that they kill the black character first. Sorry, Jennifer Hudson. And I am telling you, you're going.
Rumor No. 3: King said there will be pathos. Here it is: Samantha's gynecologist gives her bad news. It seems her pudenda needs to be replaced due to her blatant overuse of it. "That thing belongs in the Smithsonian," says Miranda. The women rally around Sam as she goes under the knife. The big twist: the incompetent doctor accidentally turns Samantha into a man. "Time to see how the other half lives!" yells Kim Cattrall now clad with a Tony Stark style goatee. She heads straight for Chelsea.
Let's close with a moment of truth: I predict this'll be one of the top 5 moneymakers this summer. Oh, and at the end of Revenge of the Stepford Wives, the wives short circuit and stomp a man to death with their high heel shoes. You didn't think I'd leave you hanging, did you?