BLOGS

Transformers 2: Revenge of Poor Filmmaking

The full title of Transformers 2 has been revealed! Since part of the movie was being filmed in Pennsylvania, I was hoping it would be called Transformers 2: Amish Paradise, but that is not the case. (Also, Pennsylvania is apparently standing in for China.) No, the movie is called Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen, thereby guaranteeing that Megatron, who we last saw at the bottom of the Dino de Laurentian Abyss, will be making a return. The film also has the distinct honor of being the 27th sequel to have the word "Revenge" in the title.

Will it be able to live up to the legacy of other great "revenge" movies? Let's compare:

Revenge of the Fallen vs. Jaws: The Revenge
Both Megatron and the giant shark in this film come from out of the depths and seem to have grudges, but the fourth Jaws lacks Roy Scheider, or even Dennis Quaid, instead relying on Michael Caine and Mario Van Peebles, who are no match for the Transformers cast. Maybe Transformers should snag this movie's tagline: "This time it's personal!"

Revenge of the Fallen vs. Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith
This is a tough one. Both will have a lot of CGI in them, and at least one cast member from Lord of the Rings, but as bad as Transformers may be, at least the road, the explosions and the helicopters are real, as opposed to Star Wars, where everything is shot on a green screen. And as annoying as Spike Witwicky can get, he's got nothing on Anakin Skywalker's stupid, self-pitying ass. I wish Anakin had had a little dog named Mojo.

Revenge of the Fallen vs. A Nightmare on Elm Street Part 2: Freddy's Revenge
You know, with his sharp, claw-like fingers, his gravelly voice, and his grotesquely unwatchable face that makes me want to throw up, Megatron looks a hell of a lot like Freddy Krueger. In fact, all of Michael Bay's Transformers look like Freddy Krueger. Maybe his company's remake of Nightmare won't be so bad. Either that or Freddy will be a robot.

Revenge of the Fallen vs. Revenge of the Pink Panther
Sorry, Optimus -- Peter Sellers always beats no Peter Sellers.

Revenge of the Fallen vs. Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman
In the first movie, Megatron is known as the Ice Man, because he was found frozen in ice, and as long as he's kept there, his systems are deactivated. Conversely, Jack Frost the Killer Snowman loves cold weather, and in Jack Frost 2 he learns that he can stay frozen even in tropical climates when he goes to the Caribbean to kill his enemies. ...I'm sorry, but Jack Frost 2 sounds like a much better movie.

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