Time to test out the powerful magic skills I supposedly inherited from my West Indian and Native American ancestors. I summon, from the afterlife, Andre De Toth and John Ford! Rise, my fellow half-blind brothers, and help me stop Jeffrey Katzenberg's evil plan! Go forth and destroy the prediction that will ruin my opportunity to see movies! According to the Los Angeles Times, Katzenberg said in an interview that "I think in a reasonable period of time, all movies are going to be made in 3-D. When the audience experiences this... and the filmmakers understand how much greater an experience they can offer their audience and they can have as a filmmaking tool, I think 2-D films are going to be a thing of the past." "Oh, no!" screams this writer, sounding eerily like Saturday Night Live's Mr. Bill.
Katzenberg even had the cojones to do this interview in 3-D, which would be akin to Ted Turner shooting an interview in black-and-white and then colorizing it before it aired on Turner Classic Movies. Speaking of colorization, that process that turned B&W movies into color movies through the magic of paint-by-numbers on celluloid (and which turned Ol' Blue Eyes into Ol' BROWN Eyes in the colorized version of Suddenly), how will 2-D movies be treated once 3-D takes over? "If 3-D becomes the new industry standard, it will only heighten films' reliance on eye-popping technology over drama, acting and storytelling," worries the LA Times. This is a terrifying prospect, but I'm more afraid that the Ted Turners of the future will come up with some absurd 2-D to 3-D transformation process. Let's call it "Specto-Vision." Can you imagine the ads?
"See Gone With the Wind in Specto-Vision! Now, when Rhett slaps Scarlett, it'll feel like he's going upside YOUR head! Fiddle Dee Dee is now Fiddle 3-D!"
"Lassie Come Home! Available in Specto-Vision! Fall down the well with Timmy! Marvel as Liz Taylor's gorgeous violet eyes stare you in the face! And you'll be able to catch the bitch in your lap! We're talking about Lassie, of course! [Lassie barks her approval.] Available now!"
"You'll feel lucky, punk, when Dirty Harry puts his .44 Magnum in your face and blows your 3-D glasses off! Magnum Force in Specto-Vision!"
Heaven help us! I can only think of one movie where 3-D was used as more than a gimmick: Hitchcock's Dial M For Murder. Hitch put us in the room with Barbara Stanwyck (hubba hubba!!!), using the depth process to add to the suspense. So 3-D can work dramatically; I'm just hoping that Katzenberg's prediction is dead wrong (or that my director-raising voodoo magic actually works). Otherwise I'll have to get another hobby. Anybody know any good needlepoint books?