Barack Obama has just been elected the first Black President... and I'm here to talk to you about entertainment news. Oh joy. I feel like the guy who goes into the cathouse bedroom after Long Dong Silver. Nothing I say is going to have one damn bit of effect today, and it shouldn't. History has been made! Why are you even here? Get! Go celebrate or mourn, depending on your political affiliation. Sober up or get drunk! Poke your finger into Joe the Plumber's buttcrack as he fixes your sink. Whatever! Just do a Marvin K. Mooney imitation and PLEASE GO NOW! You're still here? I guess that means I have to write something. (I'm never going to sober up now.) Let's cast the upcoming Election of 2008 movie!
Obama: "That one" should play himself, but I think the Constitution prohibits any President of the United States from appearing in Hollywood productions. This extends to porn as well (Sorry, Bill, no Nailin' Palin cameo for you). Will Smith has the charisma, the talent and the ears. Plus, I guarantee you that the 47-year-old Obama knows all the words to "Girls of the World Ain't Nuthin' But Trouble." Having The Fresh Prince rap it, as Obama, would be one of those meta moments that make me all happy in the pants.
Michelle Obama: Lord, please please please let somebody cast Regina King as this woman. She and Will have chemistry together (see Enemy of the State) and she'd finally get the recognition she so richly deserves.
John McCain: My friends, if Richard Dreyfuss can tackle Cheney for Ollie Stone, he should be able to channel McCain as well. Darrell Hammond does both on SNL, and all I could think about while watching Dreyfuss in W. was, "Damn! He looks like Darrell Hammond doing Cheney." If Dreyfuss is unavailable due to alien abduction at Devil's Tower, McCain should play himself. Say what you will about the guy, but he's comfortable, and quite entertaining, in front of a non-political camera. His Lifetime spoof on SNL (below), where he played a husband who just wants to be close to his wife, is a great example.
Sarah Palin: I should play Sarah Palin. What? You thought I'd say Tina Fey? Put some glasses and a wig on me, let me turn on my Fargo accent, and you'll be shocked. I smell Oscar, you betcha!
I'm so getting audited in 2009 for this.