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10 Reasons <I>Notorious</I> is Even Less Vital to Your Life Than <I>8 Mile</I> Was

With rare exceptions (like Control and, oh, I don't know, the masterpiece that is Selena), biopics are usually just straightforward, throwaway, lie-filled award bait. That's all fine and harmless, but it still doesn't change the fact that almost every single biopic is exactly the same, and that the marketing for each of them doesn't even remotely try to disguise this. Which is weird, because it's not like the moviegoing public as a whole is like, devoted to the "humble beginnings/wows a label guy on a chance meeting/gets famous/fame ruins his life/is redeemed at the end" formula or anything. Certainly not in the way they are with romantic comedy and horror conventions, anyway. But hey, I'm not a focus group runner, so I can't be sure.

What I can be sure of is that the trailer for Notorious is the most clichéd thing I've ever seen. I'm also sure that a motion picture about a story that anyone with even a passing interest in knows all the details of that doesn't even bother to do something interesting in any way is an unnecessary waste of both Angela Bassett's and my time combined, and is in desperate need of being made fun of. And besides, Tupac, as big an ass as he was, is a way better story (his humble beginnings involve Digital Underground, people!), and we're all still waiting on that movie, while this one just goes on existing. And that's the real tragedy here.

So, based on the trailer, and not the actual movie that I have not/will never see, here are the 10 most clichéd things from the number one most clichéd movie trailer I have ever seen:

1) A character saying with complete sincerity that "hip hop will never be the same because of this man."
2) The title character walking around absent-mindedly practicing his craft surrounded by poverty and crime as a youth.
3) The guy accusing Biggie of being a sellout after he becomes a sellout.
4) Angela Bassett yelling. This one is not exclusive to biopics; just things with Angela Bassett in them.
5) The title character's friend who sacrifices himself so that the title character can make it. This character is usually a sibling, so I suppose that's progress. Even if it's forced progress due to the movie being based on actual events and the fact the Biggie had no siblings.
6) The label guys looking at the title character like, "Iiiiiiii don't know, he's not like the already widely accepted people who do what he does!" And then making him a star anyway.
7) The strong woman who comes into his life and tries to save him but fails. Also the part where she catches him cheating and freaks out.
8) All of the studio scenes.
9) All of the concert scenes.
10) The way half of it is 8 Mile in a different city.
Honorable mention: The Diddy guy's gold chain.

And also, re: the quotes at the beginning -- does anyone actually require Rolling Stone to tell them Biggie was "adored by millions"? And how does stating the painfully obvious sell the film, exactly? I bet Ray had quotes like that in its trailer, and Ray is terrible.

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