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9 Reasons You Shouldn’t See <I>Underworld: Rise of the Lycans</I> Obviously, no one's dying to see Underworld: Rise of Lycans. I'm not saying that anyone is. I'm just saying that if maybe you've seen everything that's out already and come next Friday night you're thinking, "Hey, I don't mind spending 12 bucks to see some vampires and werewolves fight," the way I see it there are a lot of reasons to be dissuaded. Nine, to be exact.

1) The Danny McBride who wrote it isn't the Foot Fist Way guy; he's the stunt coordinator for something called The Feminine Touch guy who made the Foot Fist Way guy put an "R." in the middle of his name on IMDB.
2) Len Wiseman wants nothing to do with it, and neither did any other self-respecting director/regular director/film student/Youtube account holder, apparently, because the special effects guy from Battlefield Earth ended up having to direct it.
3) The way the guy in the trailer says "We can be SLAVES!!! Or we can be - LYCANS!!!!!!!!!" sounds exactly like "This. Is. SPARTA!!!" only more ridiculous.
4) If I wanted vampires-and-werewolves-as-thinly-veiled-social-commentary-on-bigotry-and-forbidden-love I'd watch True Blood because at least that thing has nudity and a lighting scheme with more colors than "blue" and "dark blue". Also, don't try to teach me not to be racist with your slave characters being portrayed by monstrous dogs, because that's pretty racist, actually.
5) Nobody likes prequels. Just ask George Lucas.
6) Bill Nighy can't fly in real life, and this is just a sad, 90-minute reminder of that painful fact.
7) Rhona Mitra deserves better than this, so stop enabling her terrible film choices. That being said, Doomsday was awesome. I'd actually support a third installment of Doomsday.
8) The way it's made exclusively for 12-year-old boys, and if you go see it in theaters the ticket counter guy is totally going to look at you like a pedophile, as will all the 12-year-old boys surrounding you.
9) But most importantly, it's no different than the two films that preceded it, except this one has a cheaper cast and the guy who did the special effects for Battlefield Earth at the helm. Also it looks like Queen of the Damned but blue. And worse.

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