Why do so many movies have vague, mysterious titles? They Came From Upstairs? What the hell is that about? Renters? Old Life magazines? Away We Go? Who's going where, and why? Shorts? What about them? They're really comfortable! No, we want titles that tell us who's in them, or what's going to happen, or where it takes place -- it will take a lot of the guesswork out of our movie selection process. When we went to see Knocked Up, we knew it was going to be about an unplanned pregnancy. Beverly Hills Chihuahua? The adventures of a spoiled Mexican dog. Monsters vs. Aliens? Der. Luckily, a bunch of studios are taking a more direct approach this summer, spelling out their films' central themes right there on the marquee. Unless you're the type of person who likes to know every single solitary detail of a movie before you go in, the following movies need no further explanation.
Fighting (April 24)
If you're a guy going to the movies, and you have no idea what's playing, you just know you want to see a movie, preferably one with some fighting in it, and you see that there's a movie called Fighting playing, aren't you gonna go see that? It's likely, isn't it? More likely than going to see a movie called Observe and Report? They might as well have called that one Boring Job You Hate.
Even More On-the-Nose Title: Punch In the Face
Obsessed (April 24)
When you hear the word "obsessed" (which is only a couple of letters away from "obsession") you think about a lot of things -- unconditional love, Calvin Klein perfume, the old theme song to MTV's House of Style... These are all things women love, and considering how much women are gonna love seeing Beyoncé smack the hell out of obsessed psycho stalker bitch Ali Larter, it's a fitting title choice.
Even More On-the-Nose Title: Man-Stealer
Drag Me to Hell (May 29)
Sam Raimi does not mess around. The man made two movies called Evil Dead, which were about just what they purport to be. Now, in the tradition of such horror film titles as Tonight I Will Eat Your Corpse, Raimi has made a movie abut a woman who is going to be dragged to Hell. What else would he call it?
Even More On-the-Nose Title: Never Deny a Gypsy a Loan
The Hangover (June 5)
There have been so many movies dedicated to wild nights of excess, but how many deal with the aftermath? Until now, zero. It's about time the hard partier's faithful companion had its own film, because nothing says comedy like a movie about three guys who wake up after an out-of-control bachelor party and can't find the bachelor. You can look at this title on a marquee and expect to see a movie that is funny, confusing and in a room where people are talking too loud -- just like a real hangover!
Even More On-the-Nose Title: What the Eff Happened Last Night?
Moon (June 12)
"Hey, want to see a movie?"
"I dunno, where does it take place?"
"...Sure, why not?"
Seriously, what more do you need to know? Okay, maybe you might want to confirm that it's not a documentary, because that might get a little dull, but could it be much more dull than Sam Rockwell alone on the moon for an hour and a half? Probably not.
Even More On-the-Nose Title: Sam Rockwell on the Moon
The Proposal (June 12)
The best on-the-nose titles are ones with double meanings. Is The Proposal about a business proposition, or an offer of marriage? Ha! It's about both! You're seeing a movie about businesspeople getting married -- or pretending to, at least -- whether you like it or not! (Hopefully, you like it, which is why you went to see a movie called The Proposal in the first place.)
Even More On-the-Nose Title: Boss Wife
Orphan (July 24)
Hey, we feel bad for orphans -- we really do. They lost their parents, probably in some tragedy, and now they have to go live with strangers, or relative they don't like as much as their real parents. But orphans are... kinda depressing. You hear the word "orphan," and you feel a knot in your stomach, like, "Oh, my god, someone's died, and now there's an extra kid floating around out there." Considering that this is a horror movie about a crazy killer orphan, the dread-inducing title pretty much says it all.
Even More On-the-Nose Title: New Mommy Must Die
Funny People (July 31)
Conversation overheard outside theater, Fourth of July weekend:
"Hey, what do you wanna see?"
"I dunno, what do you wanna see?"
"I want to see a movie with some funny people in it."
"What, like Adam Sandler, or Seth Rogen, or Jonah Hill?"
"Yeah, and maybe directed by a funny person, too, like a Judd Apatow or somesuch."
"Well, how about this Funny People movie? It's probably got some people like that in it."
"Hey, if it has one or two of those dudes, I'll be happy."
Even More On-the-Nose Title: Judd Apatow Film
Pool Boys (August 14)
This movie was almost called American Summer. Can you imagine? We would have had no idea what to expect. Possibly a G-rated version of Wet Hot American Summer, but certainly not a sleazy comedy about pool boys who open a brothel in a mansion. We don't know about you, but just the words "pool boys" make us think of illicit sexual encounters. Maybe we've been watching too much Cinemax?
Even More On-the-Nose Title: Cathouse Summer
The Time Traveler's Wife (August 14)
While most time traveling movies aside from Back to the Future have gone for clever "time" puns -- Somewhere in Time, Time After Time... uh, Timecop -- this one spells it out. It says: "You're going to be seeing a movie about time travel, but it's going to focus mainly on his wife, which means it's probably a romance." You don't usually hear a lot about the wives of time travelers, and you have to imagine that they have a pretty rough "time" of it, no pun intended. ...Okay, it was intended.
Even More On-the-Nose Title: My Husband Cheated on Me with My Younger, Prettier Self
What's your favorite on-the-nose movie title? State them plainly and clearly below. No fancy talk.