Why do so many movies have vague, mysterious titles? They Came From Upstairs? What the hell is that about? Renters? Old Life magazines? Away We Go? Who's going where, and why? Shorts? What about them? They're really comfortable! No, we want titles that tell us who's in them, or what's going to happen, or where it takes place -- it will take a lot of the guesswork out of our movie selection process. When we went to see Knocked Up, we knew it was going to be about an unplanned pregnancy. Beverly Hills Chihuahua? The adventures of a spoiled Mexican dog. Monsters vs. Aliens? Der. Luckily, a bunch of studios are taking a more direct approach this summer, spelling out their films' central themes right there on the marquee. Unless you're the type of person who likes to know every single solitary detail of a movie before you go in, the following movies need no further explanation.

Summer is almost here! You may disagree with us, saying June is still over a month a away, but Hollywood would disagree with you. The summer movie season starts May 1, with the release of X-Men Origins: Wolverine, and it doesn't let up until August! Because we know it's so hard to keep track of what's coming out when, we've begun creating our hand-dandy photo guides to the big releases, starting with one guide for Action and Drama movies, and one for the Sci-Fi, Fantasy and Horror genres. Check them both out, and check back next week for our guide to comedies of both the romantic and non-romantic varieties!

I am not an otaku. However, growing up watching Japanese animation and actually working at an anime magazine for a while has given me a strong appreciation for anime and manga, and I still try to keep up with what's going on in that world. So when I found out they were making a live-action adaptation of the popular anime Dragon Ball, which comes out this weekend, I paid close attention to what anime fans -- meaning my bitter, frequently drunk otaku friends -- were saying about this movie. Now that it's here, I figured I'd run down some of the biggest complaints from fans of the original cartoon and comics, just so non-fans can see why they should hate this movie so much. ...Although I'm sure the non-fans will have their own reasons to hate it.

It's almost here. Because you all were begging for it. The return of Renee Zellwegger in yet another sequel to 2001's Bridget Jones' Diary. Apparently, they're going to base the third installment on a series of columns author Helen Fielding wrote about Bridget trying to have a child in her 40s, and production will start later this year. Unfortunately, we're kind of over Ms. Jones at this point, after her last wacky and unnecessary adventure brought her antics to the edge of reasonableness. Sure, it'll probably make money, but it seems like that's really the only reason they're making it. (Well, that and actually giving Zellwegger something to do.) And it's not the first sequel that should never have existed. We won't go so far as to say that all sequels are a bad idea, but a good number of them are, and many of them involve Vin Diesel somehow. These are ten that we actively resent the existence of.

We're huge fans of Jason Statham around here, so I'm not asking this question lightly. It's just that, as Jason Statham makes more movies and becomes more and more deservedly well-known, after a while he's not exclusively ours anymore. Which is awesome, because The Statham should be the biggest action star on the planet, and I can't wait for that. But everyone seems to be in on the Jason Statham joke now (including him by the way, because he's amazing), so, like I did when Old School propelled Will Ferrell from the Palomino-loving lunatic doctor only a few people I knew quoted outside of his W. sketches to the giant comedy star everyone on the planet loved, I think it's time to let The Statham go off to college to discover himself while I take a new under-appreciated star under my bloggy wing. I've been thinking hard on this, and I've decided my new favorite might just be this John Cena character. Let's discuss this important matter after the jump.

It's finally here -- Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li comes out this weekend, and we cannot imagine a more poorly put-together movie. First of all, it stars Kristin Kreuk, and we can only imagine that they chose her because she was the only actress with Asian heritage who was willing to take the role. But on top of that, it appears as if every single element of this movie was designed for failure. Yes, we realize it's a movie based on a video game, and the last time they made it into a movie it starred Jean-Claude Van Damme, but still, doesn't anybody even try to make a good movie anymore? Even Super Mario Bros. with Dennis Hopper and Jon Leguizamo had high production values. Here's our list of the seven things that will make Street Fighter a legendary failure.

Making fun of movies like Confessions of a Shopaholic is admittedly pretty fish-in-a-barrel as far as making fun of movies goes, but still -- these things continue to be made and relentlessly advertised, and women continue to pay money to see them even though they're insulting in every way imaginable, and that's something I've never understood. I guess it's my pop culture blind spot, and there's clearly some kind of appeal these movies have that I just don't get. But no matter what that allure is, it doesn't negate the fact that movies like this get greenlit by a bunch of men sitting around agreeing that women are shallow and stupid enough to enjoy this crap, and that notion is then enforced by things like 27 Dresses and He's Just Not That Into You killing the box office almost every single time they're released, and I'm sitting here still confused. These movies are not just boring and harmless; they set us back. They make us stupider. They re-enforce gender roles. They're bad for everyone. And here are just a few of the many reasons why Confessions of a Shopaholic is no exception.

Think you've learned all you can learn from the Friday the 13th films? Think again. While there have been ten installments of Friday the 13th already, plus one crossover with A Nightmare on Elm Street, the new, Michael Bay-produced, Jared Padalecki-starring remake takes the franchise in a totally new direction, with totally new lessons and a totally new take on the hockey-mask-wearing, machete-brandishing serial killer Jason Voorhees! ...Okay, so maybe the take is more or less the same (why mess with perfection, right?) but those lessons are still there! Here are ten things we've learned from the latest Jason adventure.

Sometimes movie taglines leave something to be desired. For example, the tagline for The Curious Case of Benjamin Button is "Life isn't measured in minutes, but in moments." Compare that to, say, Armageddon's "Time to kick some asteroid." I contend this was one of the most informative taglines ever, because it not only told you there'd be an asteroid in the movie, but the pun was so terrible that it also prepared you for the giant ball of crap that was about to hurtle into your local theater. There was also Alien's now-iconic "In space, no one can hear you scream." From that one line, you know it's going to be good and scary, and it's going to be good and scary in space. Just going from Benjamin Button's tagline, you'd never know what it was about. Is it something you'd find mass-inscribed in a Mother's Day card? Is it the personal philosophy of a mayfly? So to help you decide what to seek out (or what to avoid) here are are a few alternative taglines for recent, current and upcoming movies.

Obviously, no one's dying to see Underworld: Rise of Lycans. I'm not saying that anyone is. I'm just saying that if maybe you've seen everything that's out already and come next Friday night you're thinking, "Hey, I don't mind spending 12 bucks to see some vampires and werewolves fight," the way I see it there are a lot of reasons to be dissuaded. Nine, to be exact.