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There is little worse in the world of mainstream film than movies designed to "inspire" or "uplift" through cheesy clichéd tropes of some poor bastard rising above the impossible through sheer pluck and magical, hidden talents. Moreover, when those stories also involve a white woman helping a minority individual to discover this hidden worth inside themselves by getting them off "the streets" and showing them what books are, it's usually not just bad entertainment, it's also offensive, condescending and harmful. Judging by the atrocious Blind Side trailers, I thought I was in for the worst of both those worlds, but, and I can't believe I'm saying this, it's smarter and more self-aware than that, and honestly, not that bad of a movie.
First things first: I realize that no matter what I say about this movie, the Twi-hards are going to go see it. So if you fall into that category, go. I'm sure you'll love it (and you already got your tickets a month ago anyway), though I did hear quite a number of not-so-young ladies at the screening I attended complaining about the distinct lack of Edward (and Robert Pattinson's hair) in this film. But I'm guessing that most Twi-hards have read the books and are aware that this is the Jacob-centric installment. However, for the rest of the world that reads on here, be warned that spoilers abound.
The disaster movie 2012 had a blockbuster opening weekend, with $65 million domestically, and over $160 million internationally, making the planned 2013 TV series a sure thing. For those of you who didn't see it, it ostensibly was about a scientist (Chiwetel Ejiofor) helping his boss (Oliver Platt) and the president (Danny Glover) put together a massive international effort to save the human race from a scientifically predicted apocalypse. But it mainly followed a divorced couple -- played by John Cusack and Amanda Peet -- as they tried to get their kids to safety, with help from a crazy conspiracy theorist (Woody Harrelson) and a Tibetan monk. Although it wasn't shown in the movie, everyone was Twittering like a fury even as civilization crumbled around them, and we've got a transcript below. Warning: Spoilers abound.
I will admit to a certain amount of disappointment when I heard that Wes Anderson's next film would be a stop-motion animated adaptation of Roald Dahl's The Fantastic Mr. Fox. While I had read the book as a child (along with everything else Dahl had written), it was not a favorite by any means, and, being so enamored of Anderson's live-action work, I assumed that an animated children's film would be bereft of his usual stylistic touches and quirky performances. I have never been so happy to be wrong about anything in my life.
There are certain movies that we can tell are going to be bad just by watching the trailers, but sometimes circumstances (an insistent date, limited options, writing a review, etc.) dictate that we go see these movies anyway. When that happens, things can go one of two ways: either the movie is pleasantly surprising, or it is worse than you could have ever possibly imagined. The Box is unfortunately the latter.
This film is based on a book, which is based on fact ... or some facts. As the opening slate puts it, "More of this is true than you'd like to believe." However, this fictionalized version of those facts really feels like something that came entirely out of the minds of the Coen brothers, and not just because some famous faces from their work (George Clooney, Jeff Bridges) star in this film... though that certainly doesn't help matters at all. But that's not to say that bearing a strong resemblance to a Coens movie is a bad thing -- it's a perfectly fine thing to aspire to. And when it is done well here, it's really funny... but when it isn't, it's pretty dull and boring. Luckily, there's more of the former than the latter, and this ends up being a solid, if not stellar, film.
You know what's almost the same thing as The Fourth Kind only way, way better? The Blair Witch Project. And The Blair Witch Project is terrible. There are so many problems with The Fourth Kind, despite a grand total of two decent jumpy scares, I'm having difficulty organizing them all to present to you. But you need to know! Basically, to quote a wise tween I overheard walking out of my screening, "That shit? Was whack." That kid is a poet and a prophet, my friends. You don't even know. Let's get into it.
Going into Disney's A Christmas Carol, I was expecting a lot of wacky slapstick comedy, because when you put Disney and Jim Carrey together, that's what you get. But even though Jim Carrey provides many of the voices and a lot of the visual inspiration for the characters, there was hardly any wackiness to be seen. In fact, most of the movie is pretty dark. If you've seen Robert Zemeckis' previous animated feature, Beowulf, you can get a pretty good idea of what to expect here, although the character designs are a bit more exaggerated, and some of their movements a bit more cartoonish. Still, this was one of the creepiest versions of A Christmas Carol I've ever seen, creepier by far than my two reigning favorites, Scrooged and The Muppet Christmas Carol. And you know what? Creepy ain't always bad.
There are a lot of terrible movie titles out there, and everyone has their list, but most of these titles are attached to terrible films! It's when bad titles are attached to good movies that there starts to be a problem. For instance, this week, The Men Who Stare at Goats hits theaters, and we thought it was a lot of fun, but that title is a real snoozer. Who's going to go see this movie with that title? Yes, they stare at goats, but they stare at them to make their hearts stop beating! Why not call the movie Goat Killers? Or Heartstoppers? Or The Men Who Kill Goats With Their Minds? We looked at the last decade and found a bunch of film titles we think misrepresent or detract from the films they're attached to, for various reasons.
It's hard to forget Milla Jovovich. With her piercing eyes and model looks, she stands out in most of her films, and has actually played a slew of memorable roles, from her Return to the Blue Lagoon roots to the star-making The Fifth Element to the epically dull The Messenger to the flashy, nonsensical Resident Evil series. But in between, Jovovich does these bizarre smaller films that you've never heard of, many of which never even make it to theaters. Milla fans may know and love them, but the rest of America stumbles across them in their local Redbox and is like, "What the hell is this?" Here are five we watched for Milla, but remember little else about.
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