If Abraham Lincoln Can Fight Vampires, then Teddy Roosevelt Better Fight Aliens

Cementing his love of the offbeat, Tim Burton -- along with his 9 partner Timur Bekmambetov -- has announced that he will produce a film adaptation of the just-released book Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter. The screenplay will be written by the book's author, Seth Grahame-Smith, who also wrote Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, which is also being made into a movie (albeit one directed by Natalie Portman). While former presidents have been used as great comedic devices in past films, (Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, Dick), rarely do their biopics stray too far from the recorded histories. We'd love to see more movies like this, ones that take our favorite historical figures and have them do more exciting stuff than attend state dinners. Here are a few suggestions for former presidents.

John F. Kennedy and the Knights of the Round Table
Mystically transported from his metaphorical Camelot to the actual Camelot, JFK becomes a favorite of King Arthur due to his eloquent speech, his affable manner and his skill with a broadsword. When Arthur is betrayed, JFK must assume leadership of the knights in order to root out the traitor and defeat the advancing barbarian hordes.

Teddy Roosevelt: Galaxy Ranger
In an alternate timeline, where our technological achievement advanced at a much more rapid pace, humanity had resolved their differences and settled other planets by the end of the 19th century. But while there was peace on Earth, there was war among the stars! In 1898, Earth was attacked by invading Andromedans, and Earth declared war, planning an attack on the closest Andromedan base, a moon of Jupiter dubbed "Cuba 2." Loading an all-volunteer army of rocketeers onto his interplanetary rocketship Texas, Lt. Col. Teddy Roosevelt set out to drive the Andromedans off of Cuba 2 and back to their own galaxy where they belonged.

Thomas Jefferson, NYPD
When his partner is killed, a veteran police officer is paired with a young, chronologically displaced Jefferson, who wants to clean up the streets as much as he wants independence from Britain.

William Taft and the Bath Tub Time Machine
When America's fattest president gets stuck in the White House bathtub and cannot be freed, he hires noted scientist Nikola Tesla to make his bathtub as mobile as any wheelchair. However, Tesla gives the tub the ability to travel forward and backward in time as well as up and down stairs, making Taft one of the most successful presidents of all time and leading America into a new era of peace and prosperity. But when evil 1980s Soviet generals find out about Taft's time machine, they decide to steal it in order to cripple their enemy when it is unable to fight back.

I Am Nixon
When a plague is unleashed on Washington D.C. by Chinese militants in 1972, Richard Nixon is among the few residents who find themselves immune. The rest die, but an equally small group turn into bloodthirsty mutants. After gathering the survivors in his fortified White House, Nixon must lead his remaining constituents across the river to the safety of Virginia, avoiding mutants and a Chinese assassination squad along the way.

For alternate-reality presidential action, we also recommend the comic books The New Adventures of Abraham Lincoln and Tales from the Bully Pulpit. What presidents would you like to see kicking ass in a big-screen blockbuster?




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