So, I'll come out and admit it: I saw Valentine's Day on Valentine's Day, because A) My boyfriend has a sick sense of humor, and B) I love bad romantic comedies. Not bad in a What's Your Number? sense, where there's hope that the movie will actually be good. I mean flat-out horrible, you-know-what-you're-getting-yourself-into rom-coms. Even movies like Friends With Benefits have too much potential, which is why I hold out for Sex and the City films and anything that stars Jennifer Lopez as a sad single gal. Garry Marshall's pandering, celebrity-stuffed Valentine's Day and New Year's Eve naturally make this pristine list.

As I said the last time I reviewed one of these Twilight "films", writing a proper review is utterly pointless because the fans of these books are going to go see it, no matter how hard any critic out there may try and dissuade them. But while I really despised the majority of Eclipse, I've been desperately in need of a good laugh and there is nothing more preposterous than the fourth installment in this series. The Breaking Dawn book was so insanely bizarre that I almost couldn't wait to see this dreck in living color. And... it was everything I could have hoped for and worse. And don't worry, Twiharders, Bill Condon does absolutely nothing to elevate the quality of this material, so you don't need to imagine that an acclaimed director was somehow able to change the ridiculous storytelling of Stephenie Meyer and make it passable for normal human consumption. It is still the terrible mess that she created, now with bonus terrible acting. And it's stretched out for two movies. They want all your money. After seeing where they ended this one, and watching how padded out this was, there is absolutely no reason this couldn't be a single film. This isn't The Hobbit, it's Twilight. Even worse, this first installment didn't even end where it logically should have based on the novel -- instead, it kept going for what seemed like an eternity. Still, I did laugh... a lot. So here's a look at the most ridiculous things about the film. [If you are a spoilerphobe and actually care about Twilight, stop reading now.]

This Friday, bumbling British "super" spy Johnny English (played by British comic Rowan Atkinson) returns to theaters for his second mission, Johnny English Reborn. Don't remember the original Johnny English outing? That's okay... it came out eight years ago -- an eternity in movie years. Still, that's not the most excessive lag time between the first and second installments in a franchise. The wait was even longer between the following Parts 1 and 2. [Note: We're omitting sequels that went the direct-to-DVD or made-for-TV route, so don't go looking for Cinderella II or The Birds II.]

Full disclosure: I, like many of the people who will go to see Rise of the Planet of the Apes this weekend, have never actually seen an entire Apes film from start to finish. I have, however, watched the famous clips, know the plotlines and have all of the Simpsons references committed to memory. I tell you this because instead of going into this film as a fan of the franchise, I wanted to view it more as standalone summer blockbuster. I believe that even if I was a diehard Aper (that's what y'all are called, right?), I wouldn't feel a substantial amount of yearning to know the complete origin story of exactly how the apes came to take over earth by the year 3978 -- or, I suppose, 5021, if you're a Tim Burton fan . The premise makes sense and everything as a movie, but it can also just be summed up in two words: crazy science.

The movies have given us a lot of great male actor pairings: Newman and Redford, Pesci and De Niro, Gibson and Glover. And while nobody in Fast Five has the talent or charisma of any of those actors (okay, maybe Glover), I think it's time we officially add Diesel and Walker to that list. Just because this is the third time they've partnered up, on and off the racetrack, and you can't help but smile when you see them bro out. Also, they spend a lot of time in cars, and when a car has personality it helps make up for a lack of personality in the actor. But really, there are a ton of pairings in this movie that pop, mostly among the ragtag band of racers that assembles to rip off a Brazilian criminal, and seeing the relationships develop, even in a limited way, definitely adds to the otherwise adrenaline-fueled thrill ride. Here are some of my favorites:

This direct-to-DVD movie isn't exactly what you'd call good, but it was considerably better than yet another High School Musical installment. This spinoff had the decency to focus on the best thing about the HSM franchise: the Sharpay character. She's self-involved and pampered to a deliriously wonderful degree, and here she gets it in her brainy head to go to New York to pursue her dream of being an actress, which she soon realizes that it is a bit more difficult than just flashing her daddy's credit card everywhere. It has elements of Legally Blonde (Sharpay's obsessed with pink, too) but while I personally adore Ashley Tisdale, Reese Witherspoon she is not. Here's what really doesn't work about the movie:

The first trailer for the Planet of the Apes prequel/remake/reboot, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, has hit the Internet, and it looks pretty great. That's mostly because it looks nothing like Tim Burton's overwrought remake of Planet from 2001, but also because it seems to borrow as much from recent horror films as it does Conquest of the Planet of the Apes, the 1972 film that it partially draws on. Here are the other movies I couldn't help but think of as I watched the trailer.

When MGM plunged into financial peril recently, the seemingly indestructible James Bond franchise was temporarily put on hold; it seems to be back on track now, with Daniel Craig returning for a third time as the super-spy, but perhaps some new blood would put the franchise (and MGM) on stronger financial footing? (Remember, Timothy Dalton only got two films, too.) Someone young, popular, maybe with the initials "J.B."... Hey, what about Justin Bieber? The kid is already everywhere, he's got plenty of good years left in him, and he's got some dance moves that could maybe come in useful in a parkour chase through a construction site. Plus, the title of his new concert film, Never Say Never, is already practically a James Bond title. We've plotted out his stint on the Bond franchise for the next decade

So the long-awaited Tron Legacy finally arrived last month, and... it was widely considered somewhat of a disappointment. Depending on the level of nostalgia in the person you ask, it was a major disappointment. Impeccably stylish, it was also dark and somber and incredibly reminiscent of the first movie, which was a cult favorite at best. But while the reboot was a critical dud, it was a box office success -- not a smash hit, but enough of a hit to reportedly make a sequel the cornerstone of Disney's plans for the franchise (which also involves a cartoon, more toys and, God willing, a lightcycle-based theme park ride). But rather than continue down the same programming code as the first movie, we hope the next one gets a Clu and really shakes things up.

Full disclosure: I hate lies. Specifically, I hate movies based on lies, where all of the action is based on a lie or secret or misunderstanding which must then be covered up for the remainder of the movie, usually by more lying. This includes a lot of Ben Stiller movies, and most definitely the Meet the Parents franchise, where approximately 90% of all the spoken dialogue is a lie. Granted, if they told the truth, the movie would pretty much end, so I understand why they do it, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. The third film, Little Fockers, is as dishonest as the others, but with recurring theme of marital infidelity that gives the formulaic farce a dark center.