Dear Miss Bette Davis,
Only you could appreciate me writing you. After all, in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?, you sang, "I've written a letter to daddy/His address is Heaven above." I'm sure your address is Heaven above too, but just in case I'm wrong, I'm sending a fireproof version of this letter to my eternal resting place as well. Your biggest fan is here to ask you two favors: Say hi to Barbara Stanwyck for me (hubba hubba!! Sorry...) and PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE forgive me for not noticing a crucial detail about your new postage stamp. I wrote about it before, and am using it to mail this letter. Please have a look at it. I know, I know! How could I have missed that you've been censored in it? Your second most famous attribute is missing: They removed Margo Channing's cigarette! Ms. Channing has been castrated by the politically correct post office! Holy Marlboro Man, Miss Davis! Your hand looks as if you should be screaming out "WESSS' SIIIIIIIDE!"
The United States Postal Service has put a lot of people on stamps, from Ella Fitzgerald to Elvis (skinny Elvis for letters, fat Elvis for packages), but they've outdone themselves this time. To the delight of All About Eve fans everywhere, the Post Office has put Margo Channing on a stamp. A first class character for first class mail! I've always fancied myself a sarcastic viper on par with Eve's Addison DeWitt (George Sanders), and since Eve is my all-time favorite movie, the gov'ment's going to get a little more money out of me than they usually do for postage. I'm going to buy a roll of these bad boys. Now I can use the star of The Letter to mail a letter! How meta, I say, but putting Bette Davis on a stamp is as wonderful as it is dangerous. I bet when you lick the stamp, Bette punches you in the mouth.