Old people are hilarious, for a variety of reasons. They get bored easily. They like things that are out of style. They can't do things for themselves anymore. They place less value on human life. And they will kill you without a moment's consideration. At least, these are the things that I've learned about them from the movies, which are always pulling them out of retirement for one last job, be it a bank heist or an art heist or one last case or to avenge some cut-up prostitute in the Wild West. And while RED is no Unforgiven -- the characters in the movies similarly seek no forgiveness, nor do they seem to possess any -- it is endlessly entertaining, and features some of the most hyper-violent senior citizens you will find outside of Japanese animation.
In Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps Michael Douglas returns to the role of disgraced financial guru Gordon Gekko, but he's not the main character. No, our new Charlie Sheen in this scenario is Shia LaBeouf, who plays Gekko's protegé and future son-in-law. It's a role he's become pretty good at -- after all, he was basically Indiana Jones' intern in Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, and he scampered around after Keanu Reeves in Constantine and Will Smith in I, Robot like a little puppy dog. He could have a lucrative career just playing the hero-in-training, which is why we came up with a list of older leading men Shia should shadow in future films.
It's almost impossible not be disappointed by the experience of actually watching The Expendables. It just promises too much! It's the Snakes on a Plane of South American dictators' castles being blown to hell by everybody's childhood favorites and six tons of C-4, you know? But I still enjoyed it, even if didn't melt my face off in exactly the ways I wanted it to.
Have you ever wanted to just say "To hell with it," and become a trapeze artist? (Unless you already are a trapeze artist, in which case perhaps you said "To hell with it, I want to work in a cubicle.") Career decisions are hard. I would imagine they're harder still when you are rich and famous and are surrounded by people who kiss your ass and tell you how brilliant and talented you are all the time. Take Joaquin Phoenix. Way back in October, the Oscar nominee announced he was quitting acting to focus on his music. And then his brother-in-law Casey Affleck recently announced he'd be filming the actor's -- I'm sorry, musician's exploits for a documentary. Well, reports have come out since that it might end up being a mockumentary. Turns out, the whole career-change thing may be an elaborate hoax. To which most of us are probably having the same thought: I've seen this on MTV. Followed quickly by: Oh God, I hope so.
While we're all pulling for the hoax angle so the talented (and yes, nutty) actor can get back to making movies, it has occurred to me that there are several actors out there that made career decisions we (and probably they) all wish had been hoaxes as well.
Fans of 30 Rock and The Office rejoice! The stars of both shows respectively are teaming up to play a married couple in Shawn Levy's upcoming Date Night. Steve Carrell and Tina Fey, masters of uncomfortable comedy and hilarious slapstick, will embark on a series of comic misadventures in the 2009 release. Variety says Josh Klausner's script "follows a couple who find their routine date night becomes much more than just dinner and a movie." Since Steve and Tina are married, I know one thing that won't be happening on their eventful date night: Sex!
In Bruce Willis' new film, he plays a cop who has a robotic duplicate. But looking at the duplicate's goofy hair and stony expression, we have to wonder -- haven't we seen this robot before? Willis has gone through a lot of different looks and personalities in his movies, which makes us wonder how many of them were the real Bruce and how many were simply surrogates. Check out our handy guide to the many acting robots of Bruce Willis, and see exactly which model you've been cheering on all these years.
Many of the franchise's most passionate fans are fine leaving it as-is, but despite that, we're getting a Die Hard 5 anyway, and this time, we're going global. Which could mean anything, most likely something resembling an old, grizzled Bourne movie, and depending on when it comes out, it could be the Armageddon to the 24 movie's Deep Impact. It's superfluous, but it's not the end of the world. That doesn't mean it's not extremely easy to screw up, however (especially with the guy behind Swordfish, Hitman, and X-Men Origins: Wolverine in talks to write the script). Here's how to avoid that (besides not hiring that guy).
Ladies and Gentlemen, if I may be serious here for a moment. Please listen up. This is a public service announcement from Movies Without Pity, and your undivided attention can save your life. Since the surgeon general won't tell you the truth, I suppose I have to: Bruce Willis movies can cause you to lose your mind and act irrationally! Unfortunately, we don't know which movie or combination of movies cause this affliction, so err on the side of caution and throw out every single Bruce Willis movie you own! Do it now, people! This is not a drill! Otherwise you'll wind up like this guy.
With news of comedies suffering at the box office, Disney must be sweating over releasing Kevin Costner's Swing Vote on Friday. The film stars Il Costino as a good ol' boy whose single vote will determine the Presidential election. That alone should file this under "Suspension of Disbelief the Size of Jupiter Needed," but when the trailer reveals that Costner has to choose between Dennis Hopper and Kelsey Grammer, we're talking universe-sized pretending here. Whom would you vote for? I can't decide, and the only pull for me to see the film is to discover who actually wins.
Forbes' list of Hollywood's best paid actors was released this week, and even in this shit economy the boys of the big screen are certainly not hurting for cash. The girls aren't hurting either, but no woman managed to break the top ten in earning. My get-paid-less-for-doing-the-same-job-in-Tinsel-Town bitch session will commence in the break room here at Moviefile headquarters around 12:30, but in the meantime, I'll skip right to the top earners.