I feel I should start out this review with a little PSA: If you scare easily, do not allow your vindictive gorehound friends to sweet-talk you into going to this movie. It ain't frickin' Gothika. It's a horror film made for horror fans by somebody who knows what he's doing. It will scare the living shit out of you if you're not properly desensitized to this type of thing. And for the rest of us? It's still effectively scary! I jumped in my seat, I laughed a lot, I thought I might vomit a few times -- to sum it up, I had a fantastic time. This is the measure of a successful horror film, friends.
Why do so many movies have vague, mysterious titles? They Came From Upstairs? What the hell is that about? Renters? Old Life magazines? Away We Go? Who's going where, and why? Shorts? What about them? They're really comfortable! No, we want titles that tell us who's in them, or what's going to happen, or where it takes place -- it will take a lot of the guesswork out of our movie selection process. When we went to see Knocked Up, we knew it was going to be about an unplanned pregnancy. Beverly Hills Chihuahua? The adventures of a spoiled Mexican dog. Monsters vs. Aliens? Der. Luckily, a bunch of studios are taking a more direct approach this summer, spelling out their films' central themes right there on the marquee. Unless you're the type of person who likes to know every single solitary detail of a movie before you go in, the following movies need no further explanation.
In Sam Raimi's new horror movie, Drag Me to Hell, a girl is cursed to be forcibly taken you-know-where after she gets shovey with an old lady at her bank. Uh, is she crazy? Has she never seen a movie before in her life? You do not mess with old people. They've been around the block a few times, and they know how to make your life hell, either literally or figuratively. Be especially wary of ones with vague Eastern European accents -- you never know when you're going to get slapped with some sort of culturally stereotypical curse. (It's not racial profiling, it's just common sense.) Here are ten movies featuring old people who are not to be trifled with.
Are we having fun yet? After a trip to the DVD aisle, we'll be having a lot more fun, because this is the week of fun movie releases. Maybe not good movies, but "good" and "fun" don't always go hand-in-hand. Also, "clean."