I've figured out what it is about Stephen Sommers' movies that I absolutely despise. It's the fact that at no point in any of his films do I feel like any of what I'm watching is real. And it's not the mummies and the vampires and Sienna Miller's cleavage that make me think that -- it's the way the actors talk to each other, the way the music never stops, and the way that at no point does any character close his mouth. Every last moment is filled with dialogue, which isn't how the world works, and the constant music fills in any scenes they accidentally forgot to record dialogue for. At least Michael Bay had one or two scenes in Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen with no music or no dialogue, and it seemed to be entirely on purpose. Meanwhile, Sommers has actually made a movie that may be worse than Van Helsing, which is saying something. Specifically, it's saying that there is no slam-dunk movie idea that Sommers cannot ruin, or at least make enjoyable only by slightly dim children.

Tags: G.I. Joe, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, review, Stephen Sommers

Here at MWoP, we've been taking a "wait-and-see-but-don't-hold-your-breath" approach to the G.I. Joe live-action movie. Early on, the visual disparities from the cartoon were pretty jarring, but then, so were the X-Men movie costumes, and that worked out okay. (I'll leave the Transformers movie designs aside, since A. I still don't like them and B. the movies were successful in spite of them, making my opinion moot.) But when the commercials and action scenes started showing up -- including performance-enhancing accelerator suits, which were never part of the G.I. Joe mythos until very recently -- we started to worry a bit more. And now they've declined to screen the movie for the press. But given the fact that negative buzz got so bad at one point that director Stephen Sommers (Van Helsing) was rumored to have been fired, that may be a wise choice. Regardless, it seems there may be nothing to worry about.

Tags: Cobra, G.I. Joe, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, review, Snake Eyes

Wow. Today sees the release of some of the most anticipated TV on DVD in recent memory. Well, anticipated by me, anyway. So it's mostly cartoons, oiled-up body-builders, serial killer movies and sketch comedy. I know what you're thinking, and the answer is, "Yes, I am a psychopath."

Tags: American Gladiators, G.I. Joe, G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero, Leverage, Mad Men, The State

The Toy Story movies have always featured a fun mix of real and imaginary toys, with Mr. Potato Head, Barbie, Army Men and a Barrel of Monkeys hanging out alongside Woody and Buzz Lightyear. Now, the third installment brings with it a whole slew of new toy characters, including a Ken doll and a classic Chatter Telephone, and it got us thinking about other actual toys we'd like to see in future installments. Make it happen, Pixar!

Tags: G.I. Joe, He-Man, Optimus Prime, Toy Story, Toy Story 3, Toy Story 4, toys

While all of the attention is on Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen right now, this August will see another 1980s toy property come to the big screen: G.I. Joe. Sadly, you may not recognize anything but the name, because visually it seems to have very little in common with the most popular version of its mythos, and unsubstantiated rumors have been circulating that the director, Stephen Sommers, has been pulled from editing the film. How did this happen? How did G.I. Joe, one of the most basic, straightforward concepts in 1980s children's television, become such a nightmare?

Tags: G.I. Joe, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, Stephen Sommers, Transformers

Last night, millions of fans gathered around the TV to watch the Super Bowl, but not all of them were watching for the sport of it. Some were watching purely for the commercials, because so many new ones get rolled out during the broadcast. (And at $3 million a pop, they'd better be good.) The movie studios were not excluded from that, airing 11 different movie trailers during the game, including some brand-new ones (Angels and Demons, Fast & Furious) and a few slightly rehashed oldies (Star Trek, Up). While they only had 30 seconds to make their cases, there were five new trailers that did a bang-up job. Here are our faves from last night.

Tags: G.I. Joe, Jason Statham, Land of the Lost, Monsters vs. Aliens, Super Bowl, trailer, Transformers, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, Year One

As a computer programmer with 21 years of experience, I am not unfamiliar with Microsoft products, nor am I unfamiliar with Microsoft tactics. So you'll have to forgive the cynicism as I report that Halo: The Movie may finally see the light of day. It appears that Stuart Beattie, the scribe responsible for G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra, has written a spec script for Halo: Fall of Reach. LatinoReview.com offers numerous details on the plot, including the adapted screenplay's origins as a novel of the same name. The Team Xbox website (or as the MPAA would call it, Team NC-17Box) even has images of concept art made by conceptual artist Kasra Farahani. Sounds like it's a go, right? Not so fast, heavily panting gamers! One spec script and a few images by folks with free time does not a movie make.

Tags: Fall of Reach, G.I. Joe, Halo, Master Chief, movie, Rise of Cobra, Spartan, Stuart Beattie, video game

No, I'm not having gastro-intestinal problems. Well, I am, but that's a story for another time. No, by "G.I. Woes," I mean that the G.I. Joe live-action movie, G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra, is seemingly going down a very strange, woe-begotten path. (And I don't mean the path to pornography that the film's subtitle implies. Apparently, "Arousal of Python" was already taken.)

Tags: Baroness, Duke, G.I. Joe, movie, Scarlett, Sienna Miller, Snake Eyes, Stuart Beattie