Okay, I'll admit it. Cobra Commander was a little ridiculous in the G.I. Joe cartoon. His scratchy voice was menacing at first, but whenever he started cursing out the "bumbling morons" who worked for him, it quickly veered into the comical. But the man had a stylin' military look, whether he was rocking a blue hood or a shiny helmet, and if there was one costume I was looking forward to seeing in the live-action G.I. Joe film, it was that one. Unfortunately, I should have known better after seeing the Joe team's battle outfits from the movie, none of which -- with the sole exception of Snake Eyes -- look anything like their famous, individually distinctive uniforms. The movie Cobra Commander may not be very recognizable, because apparently -- and this is according to one of the movie's producers -- Cobra Commander's hood is racist.
Tarzan, in whatever version it finds itself, has long been on my shit list. Most put the blame squarely on the shoulders of that 2003 (I don't think it made it into 2004) WB series of the same name (which, perhaps because of the beefcake, I totally watched), but in reality, it happened the minute Disney decided to screw with the single greatest attraction, ever, the Swiss Family Robinson Tree House at their Disneyland resort, by turning it into the ultimate lameness that is the Tarzan Treehouse. The pirates learned the hard way not to fuck with the Swiss Family Robinson, and I hope someday Disney does, too. Where was I going with that? Oh yeah. A new Tarzan is in the works, folks -- this one a re-imagination of the classic, Tarzan, Lord of the Apes.