Hindus are going after Mike Myers over his portrayal of the Guru Pitka in the upcoming movie The Love Guru, but comedy lovers should jump the line to kick Myers' ass. Judging by the trailer, this is an incredibly unfunny movie. The entire coming attraction plays the same riffs on earlier Myers material, some of which wasn't funny when he was dressed like a gay, British orthodontic nightmare. For example, the trailer replaces Fred Savage's mole gag from Austin Powers II with the exact same gag involving height instead of melanoma. There are the typical musical numbers, food jokes, and boner jokes, all using Bollywood to hide their familiarity. Jessica Alba shows up to talk about lesbianism, which would be hot if a) she were convincing, and b) Myers wouldn't have interrupted the audience's collective boner with a boner joke. Numerous times, Myers stares into the camera and grins, as if his obvious delight with himself should deafen us to the sounds of his jokes falling flat in THX.
From what I could deduce over the groans in the theater, Myers plays some kind of self-help mystic slash guru who has been paid $2 million to save the marriage of a Toronto Maple Leafs hockey player played by Romany Malco. Malco's wife has run off with Justin Timberlake, a man whose ghetto pass must be made of titanium. Alba plays the owner of the Leafs and Verne Troyer is their coach. So, we've got a Black guy posing as a hockey player, a White man posing as some kind of Indian mystic, a vertically challenged man as a hockey coach and Jessica Alba as the owner of anything besides a million teenage boys' fantasies. I'm all for color- and gender-blind casting, but this is like matching the giraffe Garanimals top with the hippo Garanimals bottoms. I'll eat my words if the movie's funny, but I don't expect to be that hungry.