So many schmucks, so little time.
Robert Rodriguez's original trailer for Machete, kicking off 2007's double-feature Grindhouse, is perfection. It paints a picture of a world where Danny Trejo's Machete is a Shaft-level icon, a lover of women and killer of men who stars in an action movie with enough sex and violence to melt your face off. But in trying to create a real movie that incorporated all of the footage from that fake trailer, Rodriguez seems to have hit a snag. He had so many scenes to include and so many actors he wanted to add to the mix that the movie turned into an unwieldy, overcomplicated mess that's more parody than homage. The original trailer seems to portray a more serious film with a more stripped-down purpose, and while that fictional movie doesn't appear to have the involvement of Steven Seagal, Jessica Alba or Don Johnson, it may be a superior work to its current, real-life counterpart.
Robert Rodriguez is known for two different kinds of films: bloody, sexy, hyper-violent crime-horror stories... and kiddie flicks, likely made to entertain his five awesomely named kids: Rocket, Racer, Rebel, Rogue and Rhiannon. While some of his kiddie flicks can be pretty entertaining to an open-minded adult (parts of Spy Kids 3-D are pure genius), mostly they're for the 12-and-under crowd, like the Racer-penned Shark Boy and Lava Girl. So when adult film buffs are sitting around waiting for any of the dozen genre projects under Rodriguez's purview to come to fruition, and he gives us the whimsical wish-fulfillment fantasy Shorts... well, we get a little depressed. Here are some of the projects that, given our druthers, Rodriguez should have been working on instead of Shorts.