Please allow me this short rant. When I went to see Hellboy II, I walked into a theater that looked like a shrine to ABBA. There were at least five posters for Mamma Mia hanging from the ceiling. MM's star, Amanda Seyfried, stared accusingly at me from my popcorn and soda containers, as if to say "I can't believe you ordered a Diet Pepsi to go with that extra large tub of popcorn." The player piano in the lobby loudly played an ABBA tune that, absent the insipid lyrics, sounded prettier than I remembered. "I hate that song," said the pimply-faced teen who, a few seconds prior, had bogarted me into buying the aforementioned extra large popcorn "for just fifty cents more!" I looked at his name tag and understood where his ABBA hatred stemmed from: The tag said Fernando.
Pineapple Express underachieved on its opening weekend, causing the Watchmen-addicted Zach to incorrectly predict it would unseat The Dark Knight. I challenged him, stating that Tropic Thunder would be Batman's nemesis. He said I was crazy, and I was -- like a fox! Let's look at this logically: On one hand, you have a stoner movie. They're having a resurgence thanks to Judd Apatow and company. On the other hand, you have a movie that, in the name of satire, makes fun of Blacks, Asians, and the mentally challenged. It also has a Scientologist using more Jewish stereotypes in his performance than a Mel Brooks movie on crack. And let's not forget the gory war violence and farts! How could anybody predict that Middle America would resist this movie?! You don't need to be Miss Cleo to get this one. While I wrestle Zach for the one measly dollar I've won, which he refuses to pony up, here are this weekend's box office numbers.