Hindus are going after Mike Myers over his portrayal of the Guru Pitka in the upcoming movie The Love Guru, but comedy lovers should jump the line to kick Myers' ass. Judging by the trailer, this is an incredibly unfunny movie. The entire coming attraction plays the same riffs on earlier Myers material, some of which wasn't funny when he was dressed like a gay, British orthodontic nightmare. For example, the trailer replaces Fred Savage's mole gag from Austin Powers II with the exact same gag involving height instead of melanoma. There are the typical musical numbers, food jokes, and boner jokes, all using Bollywood to hide their familiarity. Jessica Alba shows up to talk about lesbianism, which would be hot if a) she were convincing, and b) Myers wouldn't have interrupted the audience's collective boner with a boner joke. Numerous times, Myers stares into the camera and grins, as if his obvious delight with himself should deafen us to the sounds of his jokes falling flat in THX.
From what I could deduce over the groans in the theater, Myers plays some kind of self-help mystic slash guru who has been paid $2 million to save the marriage of a Toronto Maple Leafs hockey player played by Romany Malco. Malco's wife has run off with Justin Timberlake, a man whose ghetto pass must be made of titanium. Alba plays the owner of the Leafs and Verne Troyer is their coach. So, we've got a Black guy posing as a hockey player, a White man posing as some kind of Indian mystic, a vertically challenged man as a hockey coach and Jessica Alba as the owner of anything besides a million teenage boys' fantasies. I'm all for color- and gender-blind casting, but this is like matching the giraffe Garanimals top with the hippo Garanimals bottoms. I'll eat my words if the movie's funny, but I don't expect to be that hungry.
Get ready for more Swedish-made penis enlargers (if that's your bag) to come to a theater near you. Nikki Finke's Deadline Hollywood reported today that Mike Myers is currently in the middle of writing Austin Powers 4. With The Love Guru having tanked at the box office, Myers looks to be getting back into his most successful franchise, and is teaming up with old collaborator Mike McCullers, who worked with him on Austin Powers 2: The Spy Who Shagged Me and Austin Powers 3: Goldmember. It's rumored that the film will revolve around Dr. Evil and his son, Seth Green's Scott Evil, in an homage to Myers' own father.
These days, you can't fire up the Internet without hearing more casting news about Quentin Tarantino's Inglorious Bastards. Today is no exception, as we bring you not one, not two, but three new bastards and one bastardette who have joined the cast. German actors Christoph Waltz and Til Schweiger, American comedian Paul Rust and National Treasure star Diane Kruger are the latest additions, according to reports in Variety and The Hollywood Reporter. I'm pretty sure roughly one-third of the globe's population are playing roles in this movie, or have at least been considered for a role. In fact, just a few weeks ago, Tarantino even tried to tap me for a part.
Calliope was the muse of epic poetry. Urania was the muse of astronomy. Terpsichore was the muse of song and dance. Val Kilmer was the muse of... Mike Myers? He didn't conspire to inspire Myers (hey, that rhymes! Thanks, Calliope!) to create The Love Guru -- we can thank Deepak Chopra for that pile of inspiration -- but he did inspire the former Saturday Night Live comedian in another of his creations. One of his smaller creations, in fact. A miniature, if you will. As Val Kilmer confessed to MTV recently, he was behind the creation of Mini-Me.
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It's a pretty safe bet that when I log on in the morning to check out recent movie news that I'll come across one or two things that make me question my sanity. Or the sanity of the movie industry. Today, I woke up to more than the usual number of head-scratchers. First up:
- According to Variety, Mike Myers has joined the cast of Quentin Tarantino's Inglorious Bastards. Myers will play a British "military mastermind" who takes part in the Nazi-killing plans. I know Myers has played a couple of dramatic roles in the past, but I'd be less surprised if the report had Michael Myers popping up to scalp a few Nazis.
Forbes' list of Hollywood's best paid actors was released this week, and even in this shit economy the boys of the big screen are certainly not hurting for cash. The girls aren't hurting either, but no woman managed to break the top ten in earning. My get-paid-less-for-doing-the-same-job-in-Tinsel-Town bitch session will commence in the break room here at Moviefile headquarters around 12:30, but in the meantime, I'll skip right to the top earners.
MTV asks, "Why did Love Guru bomb?" to which I respond, "Are you kidding me?!" Despite my shock (and a little bit of rage) that they'd even ask this question, let alone try to blame Justin Timberlake, I'm going to answer the question. It bombed because of:
- The first trailer, which includes short jokes, cowboy jokes, hockey jokes, offensive religious jokes, alligator "snappy" jokes (no, seriously), and even a penis joke. Lovely.