I need to register a complaint with the person who decided 3-D needed to come back. Actually, I need to punch him in the eye. You see, when I was 14, I lost the ability to perceive 3-D. This happened right after the big 3-D resurgence of the early 80's, which started with a horrible 1981 Western called Comin' At Ya and ended around the time of the horror movies Jaws 3-D, Amityville 3-D and Friday the 13th 3-D. So I know what 3-D looks like and how it feels to wear those paper glasses designed to give you a horrible headache. Technology has made the 3-D spectacles a lot better and the 3-D moments more effective, but if the powers that be spent more time on eyes, I might be able to enjoy the glut of 3-D movies out now. I mean, who wouldn't want Hannah Montana jumping out right in front of you...so you could slap the best of both worlds out of her?

The Hollywood Reporter informs me that the remake of My Bloody Valentine will be in 3-D. This makes me nostalgic, as one of the last 3-D movies I saw was Valentine's predecessor with Jason Voorhees. My Bloody Valentine's original version was a Canadian production from Paramount that was rumored to be so gory that quite a bit of the movie was missing from what I saw as a teenager. Considering what the Hostel series gets away with, I expect disembodied hearts to fly into the audience like that liver on the poker in Andy Warhol's Frankenstein, and I won't be able to get the full effect. This will be a hit and there will be more 3-D horror coming to a theater near you. I just hope it's better than what we got back in the 80's.

If Hollywood wants to make me happy, bring back Sensurround. Michael Bay could use it for sure. When I was a kid, I saw Earthquake and years later realized that Sensurround was like getting a Dolby hummer. I couldn't appreciate that at 6, but I damn sure would now.

Tags: My Bloody Valentine