"You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! God damn you all to hell!" Does that line sound familiar to you? Of course it is -- it's what you shouted to the sky (and at any Fox executives within ear shot) as you walked out of 2001's successful-but-ridiculous Tim Burton remake of Planet of the Apes. Despite being profitable, a sequel to the remake never materialized, possibly because Burton had no interest in returning to the franchise, and star Mark Wahlberg would only come back if he did. But now, for some reason, Fox is rebooting Planet of the Apes again, this time with a prequel. We can't think of too many other franchises that have been re-booted twice, let alone only ten years apart; we also can't believe that Fox didn't learn its lesson the last time. There is no way to improve on the original movie, and when you try, awfulness happens. Let's take a look at the first remake, and show why the original will never be replaced. In other words, get your hands off of it, you damn dirty Fox!
Full disclosure: I, like many of the people who will go to see Rise of the Planet of the Apes this weekend, have never actually seen an entire Apes film from start to finish. I have, however, watched the famous clips, know the plotlines and have all of the Simpsons references committed to memory. I tell you this because instead of going into this film as a fan of the franchise, I wanted to view it more as standalone summer blockbuster. I believe that even if I was a diehard Aper (that's what y'all are called, right?), I wouldn't feel a substantial amount of yearning to know the complete origin story of exactly how the apes came to take over earth by the year 3978 -- or, I suppose, 5021, if you're a Tim Burton fan . The premise makes sense and everything as a movie, but it can also just be summed up in two words: crazy science.