If you're a fan of Conan the Barbarian, you're likely a fan of Red Sonja, his female counterpart, also created by Robert E. Howard. However, you're likely not a fan of her 1985 movie starring Brigitte Nielsen. Despite featuring Ah-nuld as a less-exciting warrior named Kalidor, it was campy as hell, with a kid sidekick and some fat comic relief, and the final nail in the coffin was that it deprived Sonja of her trademark steel bikini and gave her a ridiculously bad hairdo. Well, Rose McGowan has apparently been cast as the new Sonja, and if anyone was ever born to wear a steel bikini, it was her. (Sorry, Jennifer Lopez.)
Robert Rodriguez is known for two different kinds of films: bloody, sexy, hyper-violent crime-horror stories... and kiddie flicks, likely made to entertain his five awesomely named kids: Rocket, Racer, Rebel, Rogue and Rhiannon. While some of his kiddie flicks can be pretty entertaining to an open-minded adult (parts of Spy Kids 3-D are pure genius), mostly they're for the 12-and-under crowd, like the Racer-penned Shark Boy and Lava Girl. So when adult film buffs are sitting around waiting for any of the dozen genre projects under Rodriguez's purview to come to fruition, and he gives us the whimsical wish-fulfillment fantasy Shorts... well, we get a little depressed. Here are some of the projects that, given our druthers, Rodriguez should have been working on instead of Shorts.
Right after I learned that Robert Rodriguez would be producing a Red Sonja movie starring his live-in starlet Rose McGowan, I heard that the two had split up, and immediately panicked. What would become of the film? Would there be a new actress? Or a new producer? Or a new, dead film in the gutters of Hollywood? Well, apparently, nothing has changed; furthermore, my prediction that this movie would be worth it just for the chain-mail-bikini promotional artwork has totally come true.