Whatever happened to killer kids in horror movies? I remember during the '70s and '80s, horror movies were filled with children who made those little brats in Lord of the Flies look like altar boys. The Swedes have an answer to my opening query, a vampire film called Let The Right One In. It sounds like a cross between Bergman and Hammer Studios. The plot has a lonely 12-year old boy befriending his next-door neighbor, a 12-year-old who turns out to be centuries old, yet trapped in an adolescent's body. Sort of like Dakota Fanning, whom I'm sure will be tapped to play the vampire for the American remake. The critical praise bestowed upon the film got me thinking about some of the old killer kid movies of my past. Note that none of these kids would have remained the way they do if the parents had called my mother to assist them.
We all have our pet issues here at Movies Without Pity. Zach likes to talk about comic book movies and his love of that terrible Watchmen trailer, the one that proves that Zack Snyder should get a torch enema from the Columbia Pictures lady. [Odie, I'll chalk that one up to jet lag. - Zach] And I like to bitch and moan about the resurgence of 3-D and how I can no longer perceive it. Well, to acknowledge the 5.4 earthquake that shook the City of Angels yesterday, I'm going to talk about another theater gimmick I'm pissed I can no longer perceive: Sensurround. No, I didn't have a freak butt-numbing accident; I can't perceive Sensurround because it no longer exists. But when it did, it first accompanied a cheesy, Oscar winning Chuck Heston movie called Earthquake.
As they do every Halloween-time, TV programmer people are unloading a barrage of scary movies this week, and I for one will not be watching any of them. As you might have gleaned from previous things I've written, I do not like being scared. I don't like the dark. I don't like ghosts or anything paranormal -- unless it is a sexy vampire, but that is pushing it people! Call me staid, boring, namby pamby. But if you insist on making me sit through Saw or Hostel or even the vintage shiz like The Exorcist and, like, Friday the 13th, you will have only yourself to blame when I pee on your couch.
I've culled a few of this week's spooky offerings from my trusty TV schedule and come up with fitting alternatives to the horror pics in an effort to combat the shrieky, jittery feelings I get when confronted with the likes of Jason, Freddy, Chuckie and Satan. If you're like me, you'll appreciate this little round-up. And if you're not, you'll enjoy laughing at my wussy ass. If anyone's looking for me, I'll be hiding under my blanket from now til November 1st with my arsenal of rom-com DVDs.