TV lovers, there's a lot of TV coming out on DVD today, plus Tyler Perry's Friday the 13th, The Seventh Seal: Extended Killer Cut and the Criterion Collection edition of Madea Goes to Jail. Just kidding, although I would watch any and all of those movies. But first: the cartoon that inspired Michael Bay to have a robot pee on John Turturro.
Okay, maybe "tackles" is a slight exaggeration. Here was the situation: In a massive auditorium at the Jacob Javits Center, a really idiotic woman got up to ask a question. While everyone else had somewhat interesting queries for Jared Padalecki (presumably the hero), Derek Mears (Jason) and producers Brad Fuller and Andrew Form, one woman was clearly there only because of the dreaminess that is Padalecki (and no... it wasn't me. I swear). She stood in front of a crowd of fans who had just enthusiastically cheered for the very brutal and somewhat impressively disgusting first five minutes of Friday the 13th that were screened and admitted she wasn't a horror fan. This caused Mears to faux-storm off the panel and Padalecki to chase after him, physically stop him from running off and calm him down. It was much more hysterical than it sounds.
Think you've learned all you can learn from the Friday the 13th films? Think again. While there have been ten installments of Friday the 13th already, plus one crossover with A Nightmare on Elm Street, the new, Michael Bay-produced, Jared Padalecki-starring remake takes the franchise in a totally new direction, with totally new lessons and a totally new take on the hockey-mask-wearing, machete-brandishing serial killer Jason Voorhees! ...Okay, so maybe the take is more or less the same (why mess with perfection, right?) but those lessons are still there! Here are ten things we've learned from the latest Jason adventure.
Imagine getting the awful news that they were planning yet another installment in the now 28-year-old Friday the 13th slasher dreck series. Now dredge deeper and find that your fears are even worse: They aren't planning another sequel: They are going to remake the original crapfest. It's sounding worse all the time. Now, for the final blow: The producer for this terrible, unnecessary idea isn't even someone who might be able to spin shit into shinola but instead is crapmeister extraordinaire and pretend John Frankenheimer love child Michael Bay. Some casting has been announced, including interchangeable beefcake and cheesecake from shows such as The O.C. and Supernatural. The only question I have is who gets the Betsy Palmer role or all the mental midgets behind this idea too young to remember that Jason isn't even the killer in the first one?
Anthony Hopkins. Robert De Niro. Kathy Bates. Vincent D'Onofrio. Billy Zane. What do these people have in common? They all freak us the hell out. Not on a day-to-day basis, of course, but each has had at least one truly memorable role in a horror film. These singularly terrifying performances have earned them all spots on our list of the Scariest Horror Movie Villains of All Time, alongside such luminaries as Freddy Krueger and Leatherface. Check out our list, then let us know who we've left off below!
Mother's Day is this weekend. For some of you, it's that time of year you get reminded of how infrequently they call the woman who begat you, told endlessly about how you should get your hair cut differently, and debriefed about how so-and-so's children have gotten just tons of promotions lately. For others, the day's a pleasant reminder of the woman who chewed out your first bosses for firing you, helped you egg the bratty neighbor kid's house, and stood up for you in the principal's office after that unfortunate... misunderstanding... with the firecrackers in the girl's washroom. Moms can be a tough bunch, for better or for worse. Here are ten movie moms who may span the spectrum from saint to she-devil, but they all have one thing in common: you don't want to mess with any of them.
As they do every Halloween-time, TV programmer people are unloading a barrage of scary movies this week, and I for one will not be watching any of them. As you might have gleaned from previous things I've written, I do not like being scared. I don't like the dark. I don't like ghosts or anything paranormal -- unless it is a sexy vampire, but that is pushing it people! Call me staid, boring, namby pamby. But if you insist on making me sit through Saw or Hostel or even the vintage shiz like The Exorcist and, like, Friday the 13th, you will have only yourself to blame when I pee on your couch.
I've culled a few of this week's spooky offerings from my trusty TV schedule and come up with fitting alternatives to the horror pics in an effort to combat the shrieky, jittery feelings I get when confronted with the likes of Jason, Freddy, Chuckie and Satan. If you're like me, you'll appreciate this little round-up. And if you're not, you'll enjoy laughing at my wussy ass. If anyone's looking for me, I'll be hiding under my blanket from now til November 1st with my arsenal of rom-com DVDs.