Is there something like the SPCA, only for action stars that maybe aren't quite as youthful as they once were? I can't help but think someone, somewhere needed to step in where The Spy Next Door is concerned and get Jackie Chan out of there. As some former knock-'em-out stars start heading toward their fifties and beyond, they try to transition into more mainstream roles. This isn't always easy, and some missteps will be made. In Chan's case, the missteps are becoming full-fledged leaps, as news come down the wire that Billy Ray Cyrus and George Lopez have just been cast to co-star with him in the comedy about mistaken identities. The two latest additions play CIA agents. The lineup, the premise... the whole thing has a "direct-to-DVD" sort of feel to it.
Further developments were announced today on the progress of a film remake I had very much hoped would just go away, leaving me with the perfect cheesy mid-'80s kids' movie safely nestled in my memory along with catchy power ballads and squirt gum. Apparently, the Karate Kid remake is rolling along, with Jackie Chan joining the project as the new Mr. Miyagi. Therefore, I've decided to say to sweet fuck-all with the great memories, Hollywood -- why don't you just go and remake (and ruin) every film I hold dear? I know you're going to anyway. Here are a few films you could start with:
Martial arts movie legend Jackie Chan is set to star in The Spy Next Door, according to The Hollywood Reporter. He'll play a man "who is called to baby-sit his neighbor's children and winds up having to fight off secret agents after one of the kids inadvertently downloads a secret code." And you thought MySpace and porny chat rooms were all you had to worry about when your kids turned on the computer. Well, good thing the family just happens to live next door to a high-flying, high-kicking master of ass-whoopings. When I was a kid, if my parents had called the neighbor in to babysit me and my brother, a killer tamale recipe would have been her only weapon.
No, that headline is not the plot of his next movie. It's what Hollywood studios have in store for those who illegally copy and sell movies: They've recruited fighting film legend Jackie Chan for a billboard in Beijing's Silk Market, taking an antipiracy message directly to where much of the movie copying industry takes place. According to Variety, Chan's billboard message is a simple one: "Protect the movies, say NO to piracy."
The Karate Kid is an unnecessary remake, and it stars the spawn of two very rich and famous people who also produced the film, so I get that it's very difficult to like on face value. I didn't want to see it. You probably don't want to see it either. But you know what? If you've got two-and-a-half hours (two-and-a-half hours! I am not joking!) and 12 bucks to burn, it's a surprisingly not awful way to pass the time.