Somebody please stop those kids from The Hills. And the ones from Laguna Beach and all those other reality shows I can't think of right now whose "stars" taunt me from the tabloid racks in check-out aisles and the entertainment magazines I read when I should be working. They need to be stopped. Because when I report movie news on Thursdays, and they start popping up in there, I start craving cocktails well before 5:00 pm in the middle of the week, and I really don't want to sit around the circle in rehab muttering about Spencer and Heidi. Stop them now, you guys, because I just found out that Audrina Patridge got cast opposite Carrie Fisher and Jamie Chung in a remake of the 1983 horror flick The House on Sorority Row. I also just found out that by California law, you can totally go out and buy a six pack at 8:30 in the morning.
Someone somewhere for some reason said, "You know what the world needs? A reality show about pretty young annoying things on the beach!" And thus MTV's Laguna Beach was born into privilege like all the high school kids you couldn't stand, except now you could make fun of them without getting stuffed into your locker. Then a while later someone said, "You know what the world really needs? A reality show spin-off about those pretty young things!" So along came The Hills, centering around LB alum Lauren Conrad's life and friends after high school. Now that same someone is thinking it might be a good idea to turn the show into a feature-length movie.
Recently, Conrad revealed that she and other cast members have "kind of talked about" doing a movie version of the reality series. What would such a movie resemble? (Don't go for the obvious answer here.) Conrad says she thinks it would be like a longer version of the show. A longer, bigger version. Which, unless you waited for it to come out on DVD, you'd have to see in public with other people. And pay good money for. And give up a solid 90 to 120 minutes of your lifespan for.
At least you won't have a stadium-theatre-sized Heidi Montag looming over you, as the LB star and former friend of Conrad has said "no, thank you" to the possibility of appearing in any possible film version. Montag says for her feature film debut, she'd rather work with a luminary like Denzel Washington, just for example. She also says she'd like to be an "action star." Unless the definition of "action star" has changed as much in the last few years as the definition of "television star," I think Mr. Washington and the viewing public can probably rest easy.