Disney announced that it has hired Pirates of the Caribbean scribes Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio to write a remake of the Lone Ranger. The movie will be produced by Jerry Bruckheimer, and you know what that means: EXPLOSIONS AND RAMPANT COMMERCIALISM! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, shit will blow up real good. But that's not all! Get ready for Lone Ranger Happy Meals at McDonalds, complete with a mask in every box. Buy your ticket now to stand on line in Disney World for 5-1/2 hours to ride the Lone Ranger's Silver Simulation Ride. Be prepared for numerous sequels, all starring Johnny Depp. Depp will play Tonto as a cross between Keith Richards, Elton John and Chief Jay Strongbow. Bop your head to the William Tell Overture, remixed by Timbaland and sung by Christina Aguilerra going "da-da-dun! da-da-dun! da-da-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun..."
I can't see how they're going to make this work for today's audiences. The Lone Ranger was boring when I was a kid back in the Stone Age, and the movie they made in 1981 was so bad that Universal hired the Men in Black to erase it from people's memories. So how can they make such an old fashioned hero palatable for today's attention deficit disorder riddled crowd? I'm glad you asked because I have the perfect answer.
That's right, werewolves. The furry creatures that are usually men until the full moon makes them turn hairier than Robin Williams' torso. Here's my pitch: The Lone Ranger always used silver bullets and rode a horse named Silver. We update that by adding the monsters. Werewolves don't like silver bullets, so Tonto enlists The Lone Ranger to help kill this band of rogue werewolves. Indians know a lot about werewolves, as evidenced by another 1981 movie, Wolfen, so this isn't so far fetched. The Lone Ranger agrees to help because his entire band of rangers were eaten by werewolves at the beginning of the film. The Lone Ranger escapes the attack but his mask gets in his eyes while running. He subsequently falls off a cliff, only to be nursed back to health by Tonto.
Meanwhile, the band of werewolves, led by Kate Beckinsale and Benicio Del Toro, are looking for this map that will lead them to a treasure that will allow them to remain werewolves no matter what the moon looks like. It's up to Tonto and Kemo Sabe to save the day. I envision at the end, the Lone Ranger runs out of silver bullets and resorts to running over Del Toro with Silver the horse. Del Toro mutates into an impressively gory fireball simply because the horse is named Silver. Cue Christina over the credits.
Johnny Depp finally wins that Oscar for this movie too.
If any of this winds up in the movie, God help us. But if it does, you heard it here first.