The new movie starring Robert Pattinson and Reese Witherspoon is a romantic circus epic, three words I don't often like to say together. Like Titanic under the big top, or Larger Than Life during the Great Depression, the movie manages to combine star-crossed lovers and economic disparity with comedically unruly animals, and the end result is a sappy, clichéd, albeit very pretty, film. And since it takes place during Prohibition, everyone in the movie drinks, be it whiskey, cheap moonshine or champagne, and by the end of the movie, I was kind of jealous. Why should they get to drift through two hours of melodrama in a foggy haze while I have to sit there soberly and see every twist and turn coming a mile away? (And I hadn't even read the book.) If you want to be constantly surprised by this movie, I recommend making a drinking game out of it. Here are the players, and the rules.
As I said the last time I reviewed one of these Twilight "films", writing a proper review is utterly pointless because the fans of these books are going to go see it, no matter how hard any critic out there may try and dissuade them. But while I really despised the majority of Eclipse, I've been desperately in need of a good laugh and there is nothing more preposterous than the fourth installment in this series. The Breaking Dawn book was so insanely bizarre that I almost couldn't wait to see this dreck in living color. And... it was everything I could have hoped for and worse. And don't worry, Twiharders, Bill Condon does absolutely nothing to elevate the quality of this material, so you don't need to imagine that an acclaimed director was somehow able to change the ridiculous storytelling of Stephenie Meyer and make it passable for normal human consumption. It is still the terrible mess that she created, now with bonus terrible acting. And it's stretched out for two movies. They want all your money. After seeing where they ended this one, and watching how padded out this was, there is absolutely no reason this couldn't be a single film. This isn't The Hobbit, it's Twilight. Even worse, this first installment didn't even end where it logically should have based on the novel -- instead, it kept going for what seemed like an eternity. Still, I did laugh... a lot. So here's a look at the most ridiculous things about the film. [If you are a spoilerphobe and actually care about Twilight, stop reading now.]
First things first: I realize that no matter what I say about this movie, the Twi-hards are going to go see it. So if you fall into that category, go. I'm sure you'll love it (and you already got your tickets a month ago anyway), though I did hear quite a number of not-so-young ladies at the screening I attended complaining about the distinct lack of Edward (and Robert Pattinson's hair) in this film. But I'm guessing that most Twi-hards have read the books and are aware that this is the Jacob-centric installment. However, for the rest of the world that reads on here, be warned that spoilers abound.
For Robert Pattinson's next movie, he'll be embroiled in a surreal romance. More surreal than a 100-year-old vampire dating a teenaged girl? Yes, because he's playing surrealist painter Salvador Dalí, possibly best known to many as that guy who painted all those melty clocks. Filmed before Twilight, Little Ashes won't be out until sometime next year, but promotional clips, trailers, and pics have been coming out fast and furious in recent days, clearly benefitting from Pattinson's newfound fame. How lucky were they to cast him in this before his fee took a sharper upward turn than Dalí's moustache?
It's hard to judge Twilight like any other movie, for a number of reasons: First off, you have to consider the audience. It was sort of made for them, and if it appeals to them, it's a success, right? Then there's the buzz factor: How much would we like this movie if there were no buzz? Finally, there's the fact that it's technically an independent film that's been widened due to said buzz. If watched as an indie, the movie might make people feel very differently than it does in its current context. All of these elements are important when reviewing Twilight, so I'm trying to keep them all in mind when I say what I'm about to say.
Not to say "I told you so," but, I told you so. Not that anyone was disagreeing with me. Not even in theaters a week and already the Twilight sequel New Moon has gotten the green light. And this when it hasn't even made $150 million yet (though director Catherine Hardwicke said it's on track to, which I guess is just as good). And while this may come as great news for fans (not that anyone was surprised, really), it comes as even greater news for the film's stars, who will each make $12 million dollars apiece working on it. Quite a salary hike, considering they each made only $2 million on the first film.
It's a good day for DVD buying, especially if you like science fiction, vampires, superheroes, television actors and stereotypically gay men. And if you like all of those things, it's the best day ever. ...Of course, if you like all of those things, every day is probably the best day ever for you. Also, your room is probably awesome.
It's official -- Rachelle Lefevre is out as Victoria in the third Twilight movie, Eclipse, and Bryce Dallas Howard (Terminator Salvation, The Village) is in. Supposedly, it's due to a "scheduling conflict," but could it simply be that the producers wanted a better, more famous actress in the role? They're not alone. We think that a lot of actors in the cast could stand to be upgraded, so we went through and re-cast the entire thing in our Re-Casting Wish List. Click the link, and tell us you don't think that would be a better movie.
If you've been living under a rock for the last few months, then you may not know that Twilight, the first in a planned series of films based on Stephenie Meyer's vampire romance novels, is about to hit theaters. The film had its Hollywood premiere Monday night in Westwood Village (a couple of zip codes west of Hollywood, actually), and I don't know if you've heard this, but the franchises' mainly female fans are just a teensy bit excited. Hundreds of fans camped out in Westwood to catch a glimpse of the premiere and the film's stars. Had I known it was on Monday night, I would joined them with a bottle of shampoo and a hairbrush for star Robert Pattinson. From the pics of the night, I don't think he's been intimate with either in well over two weeks.
So you've just seen Twilight, and you are now officially addicted to Robert Pattinson. You need him like a flower needs sunlight, or like a teenage girl needs a dangerous-yet-non-threatening vampire boyfriend. You've bought the T-shirt, the calendar, everything you can get your hands on, but now you need a tiny, three-dimensional totem of Edward to worship and adore. You need a doll, or, better yet, an action figure. Like, right now. Well, Edward thinks you should wait, and if you really love him, you will.