The new Sex and the City movie is a shining example of why everyone -- especially screenwriters -- should learn math and chemistry. Math, because the movie's 140-minute runtime could do with a little subtraction -- this isn't Gandhi, here, although Sarah Jessica Parker looks more like him every day. And chemistry, because the movie's two most important elements, "sex" and "the city" -- you know, the ones that are in the title -- are practically nonexistent in this installment, which takes away much of what usually makes this compound so potent. Statistically speaking, if New York City is "the fifth cast member" of the show, then 80% of this film is missing 20% of the cast.
Michael Patrick King is on the 'Net dispelling rumors that he's sending Chris Noth's Mr. Big to the big Law & Order episode in the sky. King tells the Associated Press that he's no merchant of death when it comes to his franchise. "Kill Mr. Big? I would have been chased around the planet by women with torches," he says. If Sex and the City: The Movie is the chick-flick equivalent of Star Wars: The Phantom Menace, King's torch-filled premonition may come to pass. Every woman I know is dying to get her hands on a movie ticket for the May 30th premiere or, if she's in front of the Beacon Theater, a copy of Sex And The City: The Bootleg Recorded-Off-The-Screen DVD. If it fails to delight an audience this year's summer movies continue to ignore, King may end up like that guy at the end of Revenge of the Stepford Wives.
Wow, you guys. Even Sarah Jessica isn't above whoring herself for some green. Word is that the woman who was rumored to be against a SATC movie initially because she thought it best to leave well enough alone is on board -- along with the three other ho's -- for a SATC sequel. Everyone has a price, and seeing as the record-breaking blockbuster has grossed damned near $150 million since opening, the whole gang's ready to sell out. Pardon me, but I was just enjoying a respite from the barrage of crazy marketing tie-ins and annoying Carrie Bradshaw wannabes sashaying down my frigging sidewalk. Thanks a lot, Hollywood.
Filmmakers face many problems when trying to translate a TV series into a full-length feature film, and the folks who made Sex and the City stumbled on each of them.
First and most importantly, there's that whole issue of trying to make it bigger than an episode of the series, in length and in the weight of the story it's telling. Sex and the City definitely succeeds in length, ballooning it to nearly 2 1/2 hours, but for what reason, exactly? Nothing in the movie seems to carry any more weight or, really, advance the story of these four single gals beyond where they were when the series ended. And that's unfortunate, considering that main character Carrie (Sarah Jessica Parker) was acting like a nearly-40-year-old baby when the show last aired.
This Friday marks the release of He's Just Not That In To You, the über-chick-flick we've all been
dreading waiting for. Produced by Drew Barrymore and starring everyone and their mom, the film allegedly dispenses some tough-love conventional wisdom about dudes, dating, monogamy and rejection in the digital age. But with humor! And bonus: Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, it's loosely based on a self-help book of the same name that was, in turn, based on an episode of Sex and the City. Below are nine reasons I'm just not that into this stupid excuse for a movie.
Beverly Hills Chihuahua stayed atop the box office for the second week in a row. Apocalypse to follow, but not before we see more movies about talking dogs and the 'hoods from whence they came. You know how Hollywood works: If a movie makes money, they make 50 clones of it. So I invite you to play the Location Movie Dog game with me. Take a city or town, add a dog breed and voila! You have a multi-million dollar grossing movie. The title alone causes the script to write itself. The winner gets a contract at Disney and a free copy of that CGI mouth-moving software, the one that makes the baby on those E-trade commercials look like the Anti-Christ. Here are my game submissions.
Even though the economy is in what's cheerily being called a "downturn," you wouldn't know it from the bustle around Hollywood studios lately, with more than 40 films being hustled into production for next spring and summer. Because of the writer's strike and the looming threat of an actor's strike, most studios halted production in late 2007 and, as a result, don't have much of a slate for their 2010-2011 release schedule. The few films that did go into production following the writer's strike had strike protection insurance in case the actors -- who still haven't reached an agreement with the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers (AMPTP) and remain without a new contract -- decided to have a strike of their own. Now desperate to fill theaters with their usual crap in two years, studios are pushing to get movies made, crossing their fingers that the actor's union in-fighting continues.
Hollywood likes to capitalize on dead horses before the flies start to gather -- look no further than the I Love The New Millenium franchise for proof. The fact that producers waited a full four years after Sex and the City went off the air to flip it for the big screen belied an unusual level of restraint, but it seems to have functioned as a protracted cock-tease -- the film was a rampant success that broke all sorts of records in terms of box office gold for a lady-centric movie.
And now it seems the folks behind Friends are hoping for a similar fate -- rumors have surfaced once again that a silver screen adaptation is in the works.
Over the past few years, fast-food joints have gotten into major trouble marketing their fattening products to children, but when summer arrives, the movie and food tie-ins kick into overdrive and children beg their parents for the toys. I still have my stuffed Tazmanian Devil in Space Jam doll, courtesy of McDonalds circa 1996. While contemplating how disturbing a grown man buying a kids' meal just so he can get the toy is, I thought of a way the fast food places can avoid being harassed by child obesity groups: Market this summer's movie tie-ins to adults. Who gives a crap if the over-18 crowd eats itself to oblivion? They should know better. Taco Bell tried this once, with a Demolition Man tie-in, and while that failed miserably, I guarantee that these will sell.