While watching the Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards, I had a crazy idea. What if, instead of having Bill Conti (or Tom Conti, as Julia Roberts famously called him) rudely play people off when they take too long at the Oscars, why not have the winner get slimed instead?
Winner: Well, first of all, I'd like to thank the Academy for this fine honor. I am in good company with my fellow Oscar nominees Meryl Streep, Lindsay Lohan, the CGI ghost of Bette Davis and the I Got A Crush on Obama girl. I'd also like to thank Harvey Weinstein for threatening to torture and dismember any Academy voter who didn't vote for our film. You know, I started out in this business as a...it says wrap it up...OK! I started out in this business as a human casting couch, and now I've risen to the upper echelon of my profess--
SPLAT!!!! (Slime covers winner completely.)
Imagine how great that would be! People would have to go to the press interview room with their expensive outfits congealed with green goop. Since that stuff is probably corrosive, the winner's Oscar would melt or turn green like cheap gold jewelry. After each sliming, the orchestra plays Jean Knight's "The Clean Up Woman" while the Oscar girl comes out with a mop and bucket to clean up the mess during a commercial break.
The Academy can also slime people whose outfit looks like their grandmother's curtains, or the host every time he's not funny (Jon Stewart would have drowned. Bob Hope would have too). Fashion designers would weep, because I'm sure that stuff doesn't come out of expensive clothing. After the show, I envision some poor soul hunched over with a toothbrush at Harry Winston's, trying to scrape that green shit off the rented diamonds.
Sliming might not speed up the show, but it would make it a helluva lot more fun to watch. As for the kids at the Kids Choice Awards, they made some oddball picks, choosing Jessica Alba as best movie actress, Alvin and the Chipmunks as best picture, and Johnny Depp as best movie actor. Kids like Sondheim? Who knew?