Only 353 days until Breaking Dawn! Squeeeee!
You may not know this, but the main character in Machete first appeared in the Spy Kids movies. It's true! Okay, so technically, it wasn't exactly the same character, but Danny Trejo played another guy named "Machete" who was the uncle to the titular child agents, and also a spy and inventor himself. He wasn't a bloodthirsty killer, but Trejo certainly made the franchise more awesome simply by being in it -- just as he did in the From Dusk Till Dawn movies, as well as the last two Mariachi flicks. Now he's got his own franchise, with two more Machete movies supposedly on the way, but why is Robert Rodriguez the only one taking advantage of his awesomeness? The man would make a valuable addition to any existing franchise -- here are seven we think should grab him while he's hot.
I tore through these books a few years back like a crack addict desperate for a fix, but these movies... they might be the death of me. And yet, I still force myself to go see them to see just how terrible they are. On the one hand, they are hysterical (especially the newest one), but on the other hand, I'm not entirely sure that they're in on the joke. Like, should I be laughing when newborn vampires are eviscerating a poor soul because their leader Riley just has the dumbest look on his face? Probably not, but it totally makes me giggle to no end. Writing a review of this is pointless, since, judging by the hordes of teens and moms at the theater near my house at 10 PM, this movie is going to make a gazillion dollars no matter how awful it may be or how much of a set-up it is for the last two films (which have the most preposterous plot... I can't even...), and people will turn out in droves, plan parties, start rival gang wars, buy merchandise, set up shrines, etc... But before you're forced to take your favorite pre-teen (or drooling spouse) to the film, find out what insanity this latest Twilight installment has in store. Fair warning, the text below does contain a great deal of spoilers, but if you haven't read the books and you're planning on seeing this anyway, you probably really don't care.
Which came first, the chicken or the egg? And by that, we mean, which came first: Kristen Stewart getting the role of angsty rocker Joan Jett in The Runaways, or Stewart dressing and pouting like an angsty rocker at awards shows? Whether the role made the woman or the woman made the role, it would require some research to answer, but you can't deny that Stewart plays the part of the misfit Jett well, and is part of a decent cast that inhabits this simple, familiar, drug-addled tale of a rock-and-roll rise and fall. You can probably guess at everything that will happen, even if you don't know the story of the Runaways (an all-girl punk group that included Jett and Lita Ford), because it seems like a well-worn path for successful bands: struggle, success, drugs, breakup. But as long as you don't need a particularly engaging story, this long music video is beautifully shot and the characters all look sufficiently bad-ass for the movie's sole purpose: to chronicle how much the Runaways rocked.
Although it's not officially confirmed yet, word on the street is that Twilight: Eclipse director David Slade will direct Wolverine 2. While Wolverine fans worldwide are probably groaning that the director of a girly vampire film may be put in charge of the rugged anti-hero, they should consider two things: 1. Eclipse was one big vampire-werewolf fight. 2. Logan and Edward Cullen have a lot in common. Check out our long list of similarities between the two.
In the latest installment of the Twilight saga, Eclipse, the characters learn of a rash of murders being committed in nearby Seattle by a gang of newborn vampires. Of course, in the world of Twilight there's a vampire police force, the Volturi, that would normally quell such a high-profile incident, but that isn't the case in every movie where vampires exist. Most of the time, it seems there is no force on Earth that can stand up to a vampire, especially when there's more than one of them. What follows are some of the deadliest vampire attacks ever recorded on film, in terms of number of humans killed/turned.
Yes, the new Twilight film comes out on DVD today, but there's actually something bigger than that coming out. A pivotal moment in the history of mankind that only comes along once in a blue moon, and has the potential to affect future generations for decades to come. That's right, it's the newest Disney Princess.
Red Riding Hood was directed by Catherine Hardwicke, who was fired from the Twilight franchise after she helmed the first movie, and written by David Johnson, whose only other screenwriting credit is for Orphan, the endlessly mocked twist-ending movie about something being wrong with Esther from a couple years ago. Considering that kind of pedigree at the wheel, I think you have an idea of how this is going to go.
How do you talk about the weekend box office when one movie opened on a Wednesday, the other on a Thursday and everybody had Monday off for the Fourth of July? Luckily, it doesn't really matter, because one of the movies was The Twilight Saga: Eclipse, and it set all kinds of records in its newborn-vampire onslaught on a nation of quivering Bella Swans. Not only did it have the biggest Wednesday opening ever ($69 million, yet another record stolen from Michael Bay), it had the second-highest opening day of all time, right behind its predecessor, New Moon. Of course, it also opened in the most theaters ever (4,468), so that might have helped get butts in seats. You know, in addition to the rippling abs of Taylor Lautner. The four-day weekend total was $83 million, but counting Wednesday and Thursday, not to mention the midnight Tuesday screenings, the grand total comes to $175 million so far, and that's in just six days. Six days! Lautner's shaved chest is barely even stubbly after six days!
First things first: I realize that no matter what I say about this movie, the Twi-hards are going to go see it. So if you fall into that category, go. I'm sure you'll love it (and you already got your tickets a month ago anyway), though I did hear quite a number of not-so-young ladies at the screening I attended complaining about the distinct lack of Edward (and Robert Pattinson's hair) in this film. But I'm guessing that most Twi-hards have read the books and are aware that this is the Jacob-centric installment. However, for the rest of the world that reads on here, be warned that spoilers abound.