At Wednesday's Walt Disney Studios Showcase, the Mouse announced a ton of new projects, most of them starring Johnny Depp. Not only will the actor definitely be playing the Mad Hatter in director Tim Burton's motion-capture CGI Alice in Wonderland (as rumored back in July), he'll also be returning as Jack Sparrow for yet another Pirates of the Caribbean movie (that's four now, for those of you not counting at home). What are they going to call this one, Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Successful and Still Mildly Enjoyable Franchise?

Spike Lee is far better known for what he does off the screen than what he puts on it. It's a shame, because Lee is one of the few directors working today whose style permeates every movie he makes. Like Scorcese's work, one need only look at a few shots to immediately peg a Spike Lee Joint. And like the people IN Scorsese's work, Spike Lee appears to relish picking fights. After settling the fight he had over WWII movies with Clint Eastwood, Spike has now set the stage for one with penis-obsessed director-producer Judd Apatow. For what Apatow has done to shame my Johnson, he deserves to get punched out.

Time to test out the powerful magic skills I supposedly inherited from my West Indian and Native American ancestors. I summon, from the afterlife, Andre De Toth and John Ford! Rise, my fellow half-blind brothers, and help me stop Jeffrey Katzenberg's evil plan! Go forth and destroy the prediction that will ruin my opportunity to see movies! According to the Los Angeles Times, Katzenberg said in an interview that "I think in a reasonable period of time, all movies are going to be made in 3-D. When the audience experiences this... and the filmmakers understand how much greater an experience they can offer their audience and they can have as a filmmaking tool, I think 2-D films are going to be a thing of the past." "Oh, no!" screams this writer, sounding eerily like Saturday Night Live's Mr. Bill.

In a move that signifies another step in a sea change in the comics-to-film industry, a new filmmaking entity, Framelight Prods, has launched with the mission of adapting comics into film collaboratively. Producer Jeffrey Erb and entrepeneur Robert Robinson Jr. "don't want to traditionally option a title; we want to partner with the creator on every aspect of the production," said Robinson in The Hollywood Reporter. ...In other words, they're borrowing a page from Marvel's recent film arm, instead of separating the filmmaking process from the comic book creators.

It looks like the Coen Brothers might have another success on their hands: Their latest film, Burn After Reading, not only landed at the top box office spot with a $19.4 million opening weekend, but it also helped the whole nation recover from last weekend's embarrassingly low take. Brad Pitt and George Clooney's presence in Burn After Reading might have helped the Coens to such a lofty opening weekend.

If you weren't one of the people who was totally befuddled by The Fountain, then you're probably waiting with bated breath for director Darren Aronofsky's next picture. Pi and Requiem for a Dream established Aronofsky as a major talent, and his next picture -- with its combination of mainstream subject matter, amazingly talented actors and Marisa Tomei stripping -- is sure to take the country by storm. That's probably why Fox Searchlight outbid all comers at the Toronto International Film Festival for the rights to distribute The Wrestler, which only last week won the Golden Lion in Venice. (Man, I wish I had a gold lion.)

If you've ever been to Hollywood, you know that prices can run pretty high on some things. A prime ZIP code in the Hills will set you back several million, easy. Chic clothes, regular spray tans, and the perfect veneers don't come cheap. Even dinner at a decent restaurant can cost a pretty penny. But it's possible to find a bargain, if you've got the right connections. For example, a mere ten bucks buys you a golden-skinned man with a perfectly ageless physique. On the down side, he's only a little over a foot high. On the plus side, he's highly portable! The man in question is none other than the famous Oscar statuette, and, unfortunately, only the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences can snag this deal. Or so says the Academy.

Tommy Lee Jones is suing Paramount for money (specifically, $10 million) he wasn't paid on the back-end of No Country For Old Men, and while I usually don't have a lot of sympathy for actors, what with all their money and perks and luxury, I have even less for movie studios. Plus, it sounds like Paramount is trying to get out of giving Jones the kind of money they used to lure him into being in the film.

So, Bangkok Dangerous finally knocked Tropic Thunder out of its spot at the top of the weekend box office, but it was nothing to be proud of. Bangkok led all movies with $7.8 million at the box office on the slowest box office weekend in seven years.

Are you sitting at work, watching the minutes tick by until you're finally free for the weekend, wondering how you'll occupy yourself for the next two days of work-free bliss? Are you thinking about risking the wrath of your significant other to go see The Dark Knight for the fifteenth time? There's not a lot new coming out this week in theaters. No new comic book hero movies, no new sci-fi epics, and no new horror villains to make you scream... unless you count Nicolas Cage's scary-ass hairdo in Bangkok Dangerous. Screw it. You might as well be a slacker and waste away the weekend on the Internet.

Here are a few things to help your eyes glaze over as you stare at the computer screen: