Three Musketeers Origins and Our Casting Suggestions IESB has uncovered a plot by Millenium Films to make a new Three Musketeers movie. The film will reportedly be an origins story, focusing on the Musketeers' early lives and how they all got together, which means that D'Artagnan, the fourth musketeer, may not be included until the inevitable sequel. This news both makes my day and breaks my heart.

I passionately love Three Musketeers movies, even though most of them are god-awful. I don't even care how bad they are, I never miss them. This story always attracts stellar casts, and whether the filmmaking is sub-par or not (it usually is), there's always great fun to be had watching a-list actors interpret these classic characters. I own both Leo's The Man in the Iron Mask and the Charlie Sheen/Kiefer Sutherland atrocity that is The Three Musketeers on DVD and watch them frequently, with little to no shame. I even bought that horrifying Rod Stewart "All for One" soundtrack song from iTunes - recently, and frequently joke that I plan to name my first gay son "D'Artagnan Tiara", so, no D'Artagnan?! Are they trying to kill me?! And they better not cast a heap of nobodies in this either. In fact, they should let me cast it. I'm the only one who's going to pay 12 bucks to see it anyway. Heed my suggestions below, Hollywood, and heed them well!

As the youthful and dashing D'Artagnan - Zac Efron (obviously.)
As the vain party animal Porthos -- George Clooney (circa 1995.)
As the uber religious and frankly, judgmental Aramis - Donny Osmond (for the win!)
As the silent ass-kicker Athos - Kurt Russell (undisputed Messiah and underrated movie star.)
As the obligatory corrupt clergyman character - Boy-band pioneer and convicted felon Lou Pearlman (also obvious.)
As Queen Anne - Eva Green (for a little cred and French authenticity - we're making a serious picture here.)




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Movies Without Pity

March 2012


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