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Which of These Things Is Not Like The Other?

by Lauren Gitlin July 21, 2008 1:08 pm
Which of These Things Is Not Like The Other? Sophia Loren
Marion Cotillard
Nicole Kidman
Daniel Day-Lewis
Judi Dench
Fergie

If the woman who brought the world "My Humps" caught your eye, congratulations. You're not functionally retarded. And yet, that list is in fact an up-to-the-minute inventory of the cast of the impending Rob Marshall musical/celeb circle jerk Nine. People, what is this world coming to? When cinematic icons like Sophia Loren and Dame (yes, Dame) Judi Dench -- who between them have enough gold statuettes to melt down and turn into a to-scale facsimile of the Egyptian pyramids -- are condemned to share screen time with a woman who once pissed her pants on stage during a particularly rowdy rendition of "Let's Get Retarded," well, I just don't know what.

According to Variety, the Ferg will play the role of Saraghina (rhymes with vagina?), "a lusty woman who introduces Guido (Day-Lewis) to the world of sexuality." Ew on just so many levels. It'd have been one thing if Fergie played a teeny tiny supporting role, like say Gwen Stefani as Jean Harlow in The Aviator. But the fact that she's going to have actual scenes with DDL, et al? I. Can. Not. Trust me, I'm no movie snob. I saw Weekend At Bernies II in theaters. But the thought of Lewis getting hot and heavy with Miss Black Eyed Pee Pee Pants is enough to make me want to hurl my milkshake over the London Bridge. True, this isn't the Ferginator's first foray into silver screen territory -- she did play lesbian zombie food in Grindhouse/Planet Terror. But somehow that didn't seem so outlandish. You could really believe that she was a dumb-ass girl who got eaten alive by the undead. You could really empathize. This? This is just. No. I object, universe. I object.

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