So Who’s Going to Replace Zac Efron in <I>Footloose</I>? Obviously, no one needs a remake of Footloose. But since Hollywood hates us all and insists on going ahead with this flushing-cash-down-the-toilet project, the least they could do is keep their casting appropriate. That was the case up until yesterday, when it was announced that Zac Efron apparently figured out what a bad idea a Footloose remake is, for both his career and for the world, and dropped the hell out of it. So who's going to replace him as Kevin Bacon 2.0? Here are some people.

Corbin Bleu
All those High School Musical people are interchangeable, right? Just upgrade his Disney robot software with a Kevin Bacon plug-in, and we're good to go. Those Shirley Temple curls should really be teaching a backwards town how to live right.

Chace Crawford
I can't tell him and Efron apart most days because of their identical Ken doll hair (and because of my drinking problem, but that's irrelevant), so why not? Do they dance on Gossip Girl? Because they really should be dancing on Gossip Girl.

Robert Pattinson
It's about time Footloose got scowly. And obsessed with Paramore-y.

AI's Adam Lambert
The only circumstances under which I would see a Footloose remake. I'd follow that eye-f*cking piece of fabulous glitter to remake hell and back.

She's not a boy, but did you guys see her moves at the sleepover in Princess Diaries 2? That's so Bacon. To say the least.

Flight of the Conchords' Bret McKenzie
He's probably too old to pass for a teenager (32 -- yikes!), but he is the greatest dancer who's ever been on television. And if Bret can't melt your still-Puritan-in-the-20th-century-for-some-reason heart, you're probably a witch and should be thrown in the lake.

The Statham
The Statham rips out John Lithgow's spine and puts his head on a stick in the middle of a burning coal dance floor painted red with his blood, and then Lordi rises up from the pits of hell to play the prom. It's a re-imagining, I guess.

Any other ideas?




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Movies Without Pity

March 2012


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