This October, after 58 years and three different TV shows, the world will finally get a feature-length film about Japanese pop-culture icon Astro Boy. The computer-generated spectacle has been in the works for three years, and features top-notch animation as well as an all-star voice cast. And it is going to fail miserably. We don't want it to, because the footage shown at this past weekend's New York Comic-Con was visually impressive, but it will, because it has too many things working against it. Which is too bad, because you'd think that a movie about a boy who's also a superhero robot would do great, right? Yeah, sadly, it won't. Wanna know why? Read on.

Further developments were announced today on the progress of a film remake I had very much hoped would just go away, leaving me with the perfect cheesy mid-'80s kids' movie safely nestled in my memory along with catchy power ballads and squirt gum. Apparently, the Karate Kid remake is rolling along, with Jackie Chan joining the project as the new Mr. Miyagi. Therefore, I've decided to say to sweet fuck-all with the great memories, Hollywood -- why don't you just go and remake (and ruin) every film I hold dear? I know you're going to anyway. Here are a few films you could start with:

Even though 2008 was a good year for the box office, budgetary concerns remain foremost in many studios' thoughts. What better way to help shore up cash intake than to make movies with huge merchandising potential? Look at the blockbuster Transformers, for example. Hasbro will be following up with a sequel, as well as movies based on their board games, like Candy Land, Monopoly, and the ol' party-pleaser, the Oujia board. Not to be outdone, Mattel will be getting into the action with a live-action Barbie movie and a movie revolving around their Hot Wheels toy line. Man, it's like the Mattel and Mars Bar Quick Energy Chocobot Hour come to life.

Proving this country loves nothing if not its dogs, Marley & Me held tight to its position at the top of the box office this weekend, adding $24.1 million, for a two-week total of $106.5. Impressive, yes? Indeed. Even for a dog film. According to Box Office Mojo, it's "the third-highest grossing dog movie on record," a coveted position, as we all know. It falls behind only Scooby-Doo (really? That movie?) and 101 Dalmatians, and is fast approaching the top of that list.

Have you ever bit into a Jelly Belly jellybean, expecting it to be something tasty, like Toasted Marshmallow, but instead it's something nasty, like Buttered Popcorn? I totally got ready for marshmallows when I saw a news story that announced that there was a trailer out for the movie G-Force. I was like, "Awesome! Finally, a full trailer for the sure-to-be-excellent computer-animated movie about a team of five crime fighters in bird suits, based on the Japanese cartoon of the same name that I grew up watching!" Then I clicked the link, and the taste of Buttered Popcorn jellybeans filled my mouth. G-Force the movie is something totally, totally different, and totally, totally nauseating.

In a move that everybody who witnessed how well Beverly Hills Chihuahua did saw coming, the latest cutesy dog picture to come out of Hollywood, Marley & Me, came in at number one at the box office, with $37 million for the weekend, and a whopping $51.6 million since Christmas. Sure, sympathetic tabloid fodder Jennifer Aniston and Owen Wilson may have helped those numbers, but never underestimate the power of puppies (or puppy-dog eyes).

So, on a whim I decided to have lunch at celebrity hotspot the Ivy yesterday. That's right, I just hopped in my private jet and flew three hours for an overpriced salad. And it's a good thing I did, too, because I'm able to bring you a conversation I overheard between the canine star of Bolt and what I gathered was his agent. Seems the pooch is worried about being able to pull in big box office numbers for his bosses at Disney, and why wouldn't he be? He faces some stiff competition.

If you've been living under a rock for the last few months, then you may not know that Twilight, the first in a planned series of films based on Stephenie Meyer's vampire romance novels, is about to hit theaters. The film had its Hollywood premiere Monday night in Westwood Village (a couple of zip codes west of Hollywood, actually), and I don't know if you've heard this, but the franchises' mainly female fans are just a teensy bit excited. Hundreds of fans camped out in Westwood to catch a glimpse of the premiere and the film's stars. Had I known it was on Monday night, I would joined them with a bottle of shampoo and a hairbrush for star Robert Pattinson. From the pics of the night, I don't think he's been intimate with either in well over two weeks.

There are some things in life that terrorize us for a while, then seemingly disappear, only to show up again when you least expect it. The fake orange tan fad, for one. A raging herpes infection, for another. Then there's the possibility of another sequel to 1996's The Nutty Professor, which starred Eddie Murphy and various fat suits as the gaseous but mostly well-meaning Klump family. The modern-day Jekyll-and-Hyde story (a remake of a 1963 Jerry Lewis movie of the same name) had some laughs and general good will, which it managed to blow away a few years later with a gale force fart, thanks to The Nutty Professor II: The Klumps. It's been eight years of blessed silence since then, but the studio and production company that brought you the first two movies are working on a third.