Back To School

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Lesson Seven: If You Can't Say Anything Well…

Trump goes fucking freaky nuts now: "Are you a homosexual, Clay?" Clay smiles, "I am, yes, Mr. Trump, I am." I start laughing because first of all, I'm shocked he didn't append his usual "…and I'm not afraid to say so," but also because every time somebody says that, Chris from Season Three does twenty lat pulls and watches the one straight porno he owns, then downs a Red Bull and vodka and heads off to Hooter's. Trump gets queasily into the whole gay thing, interrogating everyone in the room about whether or not they knew Clay was gay. Only the deaf-mute in the corner is even a little shocked. "Markus? Did you know? Did everybody know this? I didn't know…" He seems lost and weirded out and generally goes all Steve Carell. Carolyn laughs openly. Trump's not done. "So you don't find Alla very attractive, then?" Clay -- effed-up social skills intact -- gives a very assertive "No!" Then, a beat later, "…Uh, I mean, she's a beautiful woman…" And Trump's all, "Felisha?" He's like, "Dude, they're beautiful women, but they're not my thing." Trump has admittedly been leading me to believe he's being just a tad bit disingenuous here -- "What is this gay you speak of? Is it a Texas thing? What do they like to watch on TV? Do you like ice cream at all? Do you enjoy sports?" -- and he goes for broke. "Okay, all right. That's why they have menus in restaurants, you know? I like steak, somebody else likes spaghetti. That's why they have menus in restaurants." It's the last one that makes me think he actually has just been cold-cocked by this turn of events. Felisha starts giggling due to this powerfully wrong and hilarious turn of events. I'm like, girl, you don't even know! Alla just shakes her head disbelievingly, mortified and gleeful at once. It's such a slam-dunk home-run of awkwardness. And it's just beginning!

Markus manages to say, somewhat succinctly, that he feels that a random "cross-section of New Yorkers," none of whom knew "what class they were coming to," would necessarily feel that it was a topic they'd take a huge amount of content away from. Word, and well-said, Markus. Clearly, though, the attempt to make sense wore him out there, because in response to Trump's request for a better topic idea, he says the following words: "The topic that I was trying to form was discussing a hybrid of a time management to talk about [Alla just openly starts laughing here, and coquettishly covers her mouth] -- and that's funny, it seems, I guess -- [blah blah]" and again, I love how even after 41 years of this treatment from every single person he encounters, he still has the balls to think somebody's up in like outer space, watching and going, "Yet again Markus has been mistreated. One of these days this list of unwarranted attacks and offenses is going to earn Markus a free trip somewhere awesome."

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