Bachelorette
Chargers: A Million / Dorks: Eight

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Encino Evil

Self-deprecating Bob builds hotels on the Boardwalk and Park Place of conversation, cracking Trista up with his observation that all of the other bachelors are a bit more, um, evolved physically than he is. The rest of the guys laugh because they just don't have any other choice, and Trista tells us in interview, "I think that I would rather be with a person who makes me laugh than a person who is good at lifting weights." More clips of the bus rolling in laughter at every pearl of hilarity that escapes Bob's lips, Ryan particularly amused at his every word and guffawing uproariously because it's a form of poetry to him that "har" rhymes with "dee har har." Brian C. notes in an interview that he's "more reserved" (read: less funny) than Bob, and "if she happens to like the more reserved guy, I guess I have a better chance." Trista accidentally glances once in Brian C.'s general direction and sees an empty black suit with a roseless lapel where a twenty-eight-year-old mortgage broker from Dallas once sat. He's disappearing from her radar like Marty's siblings from the family photograph during the Back to the Future thunderstorm sequence. You have a Brian's chance in hell, Brian, is the kind of chance you have.

And, drinking again. If any of y'all didn't become acquainted with the expression "The Shampoo Effect" while you were in college, you're watching it now in its manifold glory. The bus pulls up to the spa in Palm Springs, and it appears from a quick shot of the hotel's front that ABC has put the guys up at a La Quinta. Okay, someone needs to tell the production staff of this show that they're not allowed to book the group dates through Priceline anymore. Out by the pool, a splashy banner affixed to a shoddy vinyl tablecloth hanging from a cheap card table reads, "Trista's Spa & Pool Party." Everyone coos in banner appreciation. Well, if you like the work you see before you, you won't believe the added features of the brand-new Print Shop Companion. And it's compatible with both Commodore 64 and 128 interfaces. Trista notes that she's looking forward to "spending time with Ryan" and seeing if "his really sensitive side" is accompanied by "even more facets to his personality." Oh, there's no question in my mind. Inside the house now, Rhymin' and Trista sit at a table, Trista gesturing emphatically with her one free hand. Poor, compromised Trista. Let us mourn the tragic tale of Edward Drinkyhands, whose hands were made of sixteen-ounce plastic cups filled with judgment-altering gins and rums and tonics and small, festive umbrellas. With such useless appendages, how is she ever supposed to find true love? Nevertheless, she fields questions from Rhymin', who asks first off, "So, are you ready to be married?" Why, has the rich butcher Lazar Wolf asked for her hand and offered a dowry? So stiff and formal, he is. Trista reminds us all again that she has "traditional values," and that she knows "who [she is] as a person" now and what she wants out of life. Ryan cranks the dial to "existential," volleying back, "What do you want out of life?" If Trista's answer to that question is, "What I want out of life more than anything is to spend it with a live-action version of the book If," Ryan is clearly a sure bet for the next rose. He tells us in an interview taped that day, "Every time I spend time with Trista -- especially the alone times -- my feelings sort of take another step." Awwww. Then they walk out of the room and through a courtyard in which they see three weddings taking place. Trista takes it as a sign that someone was saying, "Okay, he's the one." He's not the one. And thus comes to an end the tale of Edward Drinkyhands. Whatever. That book sucked unless you were on a car trip anyway.

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Bachelorette

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