Amazing Race
Cheaters Never Win — And They Cheated!

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Again with the racing

Steve and Dave are friends and Chicago air traffic controllers. In their intro shot, they turn away from the air traffic control screens they're tending to smile at the cameras. Of course, in the time it took to get that shot, a plane erroneously landed on Interstate 94 and took out a Volvo, a Beetle, and an ice cream truck, but no matter. Dave tells us that they're a couple of old fat guys, so other teams won't view them as a significant threat. Steve says that they hope to run the entire race without breaking a sweat. Apparently, they will be skipping all the parts with walking or running or anything like that. I sure hope they packed their inflatable wind-up golf cart.

Reichen and Chip are your designated eye candy, and they're married. As Chip explains it, they solemnized their marriage just like any other couple would, though he says "cemented our relationship." I've actually always said that Mr. and Mr. Tall and Beautiful had the most traditional wedding of any of my friends, aside from the fact that they're both guys. Hell, I even caught the bouquet. (Which actually was underwear, but that's not the point.) Reichen is very pretty, but he has that shiny, waxy, sculpted thing happening that makes me unsure whether to admire him or prop him up in the backyard garden and have him made into a fountain. He says he's motivated by a "personal vendetta" created by years of being treated like he was inadequate because he's gay, which sounds like a rather bizarre motivator to me, but on the other hand, I'm all about being driven by bitterness and resentment. I don't know about the matching fleece vests they're wearing, though. That spells trouble.

Ah, Millie and Chuck. Now, what the show will emphasize to you is that Millie and Chuck are in their late twenties and are virgins. Virgins! I guess we know which team will be best suited for that Hurl Yourself Into A Volcano Detour. In case you fail to see their innocence shining through like a beacon of righteousness, they are shown riding a carousel. Oh, those virgins and their childlike entertainments! I swear, the show could not lay this on any thicker with a trowel. What I find strange, actually, isn't that they're virgins -- it's that they've been "dating" for twelve years, and he says he's "scared of commitment." Who "dates" for twelve years and is still thinking about whether he wants to commit or not? What kinds of dates are you going on after twelve years? I mean, this is the year of X2; these people have been dating since Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead. She says that if he doesn't propose soon, she's going to bail. Well, sure, because dating a guy for thirteen years would just be weird.

Steve and Josh are father and son. Wait a minute, didn't we have a Steve already? We did! Wow, harsh. Anyway, DadSteve is a corrections officer. Josh, on the other hand, is a reminder that you should always read care labels, because Elvis Costello is clearly marked dry clean only, and if you put him in the dryer, this is what happens. DadSteve tells us that they've always felt they didn't spend enough time together. Josh says that his dad ran a boot camp for felons. Oh, and Josh wears cropped camouflage pants with his red bowling-style shirt. Wow, aren't we just the bad boy of 1997. Josh: Rebel Without A Calendar.

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Amazing Race

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