Episode Report Card
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Club Dead

As Ashley checks her out, Lois says that her car broke down on the way to work, and that she needs water for her radiator. Ashley asks what "Kitten" is all dressed up for. Circus? Drag queen show? A segment on Real Sex? Lois says that she's a dancer, and works at The Phoenix. "The strip club down the road?" says Ashley, because the script would never suppose that we're smart enough to figure out that The Phoenix is the name of a strip club. Ashley continues eye-fucking Lois. It's the Gayest Look of the Episode, a welcome change and lovely trip to Sapphicland that, for some reason, I want to end as soon as possible. Lois says that she goes onstage in fifteen minutes, and could use Ashley's help. Ashley gets right up in her face: she says that this place is off the beaten path, and asks how Lois knew to come back here. Lois says that her dad is a general, and that she knew about this place before it was mothballed and sold. Ashley says she bets that the general is glad about the way his little girl turned out. Lois laughs that one off, giving Ashley the sexy eyes. "Help a girl out?" she asks. No, seriously. This close up, Lois's makeup is a crime against nature. Is this really supposed to be titillating? Lois says that she'll leave Ashley's name at the front door, and that Ashley can watch her act. She says she does a killer Stars and Stripes routine. Seen it. It wasn't so great. Ashley purses her lips, grabs Lois's hand -- which is holding a radiator fluid canister -- and rubs the back of it, saying, "I've always been a sucker for a girl in boots." Forget homosexual subtext. We're up to our eyeballs in 48-point Garamond! Ashley leans in close for a kiss. "Lucky me," says Lois. Ashley tells her to stay put, and that she'll be right back. Bring a mattress!

Lois waits. Once Ashley has gone, she unwisely busts out a digital camera and starts snapping shots. She walks to the main arena and takes pictures of bloodstains on the floor and walls. Way to use the music to make digital photography less boring. It would be nice if Lois used a camera that she didn't have to hold out in front of her with both hands, and that didn't have a flash that can be seen on Russian satellites even when she's shooting indoors. Lois's last picture is of Ashley holding a gun on her. Ashley tells "kitty cat" that she's a very nosy girl. I'd have gone with "chesty." Lois grins, and then knocks the gun out of Ashley's hand and smacks her in the chin. Ashley says that those are nice moves for a stripper. You should see her donkey punch! Lois says that she learned the better ones as an army brat. Lois kicks, spin-punches, and then gets a kick in the gut for her troubles. They trade punches and kicks. Lois finally knocks Ashley down with a Karate Kid maneuver and straddles the poor, beaten-up lesbian, telling her, "For your information, my daddy is proud of me." Is this not because I'm a lesbian, but because I'm a bad model-turned-wrestler-turned-actress? "Kitty cat," Lois adds, under her breath. Lois stands up, and the greasy announcer is there waiting for her, holding another gun to her head. He says that if Lois were his girl, he'd be proud of her, too. Lois grimaces. She can't knock the gun out of his hand like she just did the other one? The announcer chuckles. Even his laugh is greasy enough to have fried pork sausage.

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