Doctor Who

Episode Report Card
admin: B | 2 USERS: A
Explicate! Elucidate! Exposit...ate!

(Deleted: Van Statten and Adam geek out about the artifacts, as Goddard brings in the Doctor and Rose. Indicating one of the expensive items, they discuss how and what they could possible be used or intended for. "I really wouldn't hold it like that," says the Doctor, to a terse "Shut it" from Goddard; the Doctor just repeats that it's wrong. Adam asks him whether it's dangerous, and the Doctor replies that it just looks silly. He reaches for it, and Security cock their guns, and van Statten tells them to chill. The Doctor tells them to be more delicate, running his fingers gently over the artifact and producing a clear note of music. He continues playing it, beaming at them all, and van Statten says, "It's a musical instrument." Like he can't believe there are things without purpose beyond beauty. And one of them, the Doctor, replies that it's "a long way from home." And that's the point of van Statten, and most of the point of the episode, but whatever, it got cut for time. Van Statten reaches for the instrument, and the Doctor gets eyebrows with him: "I did say 'delicate.'" He talks van Statten through it, as van Statten gets more of a feel for the "precision" it requires, and they bond for a moment about the Doctor's expertise, and van Statten's ability to mimic human behavior to produce beauty, working in concert with the Doctor. Then, van Statten tosses it aside, dropping it on the floor, scaring the Doctor and Adam, showing where he stands on beauty and utility, foreshadowing everything. So of course it's gotta come off.)

"Who exactly are you?" asks van Statten, and the Doctor -- not feeling so friendly now that he's seen the way van Statten rolls -- answers simply:"I'm the Doctor. And who are you?" Van Statten scoffs: "We're hidden away with the most valuable collection of extra-terrestrial artifacts in the world, and you just stumbled in by mistake?" The Doctor's like, "Pretty much." Van Statten wonders how they got in -- "with your little cat burglar accomplice" -- and compliments the Doctor on collecting such a lovely specimen. Yuck. I would also like to state for the record that Billie Piper, a lovely girl on her worst possible day, looks as close to a homeless person in this episode as it's possible for her to look. No idea why that's the case, but from the moment they step out of the TARDIS it's like she woke up in a garbage bin. Rose threatens to smack van Statten if he keeps talking about her like she's not there, so he keeps doing it, still staring at the Doctor: "She's English, too! Hey, Little Lord Fauntleroy, got you a girlfriend!" Yuck. Adam introduces them to Mr. Henry van Statten, and Rose gets all Powell Estates: "And 'oo's 'e when 'e's at 'ome?" Adam tells them that van Statten owns the internet. Absurd, but funny. Rose scoffs, and van Statten's like, "Exactly, and let's keep everybody thinking that I don't." The Doctor gets a little anvilicious, all of a sudden, even though things were going fine: "So you're an expert on just about everything -- except the things in your museum. Anything you don't understand, you lock up." Van Statten, instead of calling him a fucking wanker, asks whether the Doctor's claiming superiority. "I don't need to make claims," says the Doctor. "I know how good I am." But, van Statten points out, he got captured: "Right next to the Cage." And by the way, what were they doing down there? The Doctor's like, "Whatever. You tell me." They are kind of getting gay with each other like this during the entire episode. The Doctor's all, "Show me your specimen," and van Statten's like, "You wanna see it?," and Rose is like, "Enough already with the boys kissing business," and van Statten wants to bring them down to the Cage to see the specimen. Only Rose isn't invited, because this is actually a boys-only make-out party. Van Stratten: "You, English: look after the girl. Canoodle, or spoon, or whatever it is you British do. And you, Doctor with no name...come and see my pet."

Van Statten leads the Doctor to the cage, and taps in codes to let them in: "We've tried everything. The creature has shielded itself, but there's [sic] definite signs of life inside." The Doctor's like, "Inside what?" but too late, they're dealing with Simmons now, who says, "Welcome back, sir. I've had to take the power down -- the Metaltron is resting." Van Statten's very proud of having come up with the "Metaltron" name for the specimen, although this is a man who calls his company "Geocomtex," so I'm kind of proud of "Metaltron," too. Van Statten wants to know the creature's "real" name, and Simmons gives the Doctor some gloves: "The last guy that touched it...burst into flames." The Doctor's like, "Um, I won't touch it, then?" Goddard kind of giggles, like we're supposed to be ambivalent about her, but I'm not ambivalent about her. She's an asshole. She is in league with assholes. The end. Van Statten and Goddard watch the Doctor calmly (and a little bit smirkily) enter the Cage, and wait to be impressed. "Don't open that door until we get a result," says van Statten. The door shuts behind the Doctor.

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Doctor Who




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