Defending Your Life

Episode Report Card
admin: F | 2 USERS: D
Let the Hardy Boys Be Relinquished and Abandoned

I should probably take a moment to note that entire sequence was peppered with time-wasting grey-toned flashbacks to these two episodes. The testimony that follows is similarly interspersed with glimpses of far-superior seasons past -- primarily the pilot when the focus is on Stupid Sammy before shifting to a number of excellent episodes from the second season for Dumbass El Deano -- and all I really have to say about them is this: Goddamn! These people were infants back in 2006. What the hell happened to them all?

In any event, Sister Mary Osiris calls for a brief recess so Our Intrepid Idiots might strategize, but because they are morons, all they do is babble incoherently at one another until Sister Mary Osiris summons Stupid Sammy to the stand. Once again, Sister Mary Osiris attempts to lead the witness, this time trying to force Stupid Sammy to blame Dumbass El Deano for the entire series. While Stupid Sammy does not point out that everything from the very beginning of Season One to the very end of Season Five was actually foreordained by God, he does refuse to blame Dumbass El Deano for his girlfriend's memorable demise, which as you'll recall precipitated Stupid Sammy's return to the family business. "That wasn't his fault," Stupid Sammy asserts. "But don't you think," Sister Mary Osiris prompts, "that your brother dragged you back into this catastrophic mess because he'd rather damn you with him than be alone?" "No," Stupid Sammy eventually replies. "One way or another, I'd-a gotten pulled back in." "You know that for certain?" Sister Mary Osiris challenges. "I'm positive," Stupid Sammy insists. And then?

Get this bullshit: Sister Mary Osiris flat-out admits the trial's nothing more than a mere formality, which means there was no reason for us to sit through this entire twelve-minute sequence in the first place. Don't believe me? I'll give you the exact quote, then: "I don't decide anything," Sister Mary Osiris reveals. "This is solely about how Dean feels." Thanks for wasting several hours of my life, then, assholes. And because we now have confirmation that there's been no real purpose for all of the talking up to this point, and because we know Sister Mary Osiris is going to sentence Dreary El Deano to death no matter what Dreary El Deano attests to during his two minutes on the goddamned stand, I'm going to skip to the end: "I suggest you get your affairs in order quickly," Sister Mary Osiris sneers. Dreary El Deano pouts his voluptuous lower lip all the way out into this evening's next METAL TEETH CHOMP!

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