Defending Your Life

Episode Report Card
admin: F | 2 USERS: D
Let the Hardy Boys Be Relinquished and Abandoned

Dumbass El Deano hisses that Stupid Sammy's not really a lawyer, and Stupid Sammy sniffs something huffy in return about that pre-law concentration of his back at Stanford eight thousand years ago, and Dumbass El Deano snots back some line of nonsense I haven't the patience to listen to much less transcribe, and WOULD YOU ASSHOLES GET TO THE GODDAMNED POINT ALREADY? And look at that! Sister Mary Osiris takes center stage to announce he'll be calling a grand total of three witnesses to attest to Dumbass El Deano's seemingly bottomless reserve of guilt. You know, that seemingly bottomless reserve of guilt Our Intrepid Idiot apparently amassed at some point between last week and this one, specifically for the purposes of this crap episode. First to be summoned is "Joanna Beth Harvelle," and so Jo obediently sizzles and zots into place next to the witness stand, and I'm sorry, but no. NO. You will never, ever convince me that a Purgatorial beastie posing as a pagan god has the power to drag human souls out of Heaven on a whim, and you need to forget that I raised that particular objection immediately because I just realized it makes me sound like some gross, sweaty Internet fanboy. "ZZZZZZ -- hee! ZZZZZZZ!" I'm not sure I like your tone, missy.

ANY-way, Dead Jo obediently takes the stand, much to Our Intrepid Idiots' horror and dismay, and she states her name for the record, because everyone in this wretched show's rapidly dwindling audience is apparently too much of a dipshit to remember who she is, despite the fact that Sister Mary Osiris just identified her. And this is apparently the real Dead Jo, too, by the way, and not a convincing counterfeit Sister Mary Osiris concocted through some psychic mind-meld he's got going with Dumbass El Deano's tortured conscience, or whatever, because she feistily resists answering just about all of Sister Mary Osiris's decidedly leading questions. Basically, Sister Mary Osiris tries to get Dead Jo to blame Dumbass El Deano for her spectacular and spectacularly gruesome death, and she balks. Then, it's Stupid Sammy's turn to cross-examine the witness, and he quickly gets Dead Jo to agree that her spectacular and spectacularly gruesome death was nobody's fault but her own. You know, more or less. This displeases Sister Mary Osiris, so he impatiently flaps his hand around in the air, and Dead Jo disappears. For now.

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