Gossip Girl
Double Identity

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Je Ne Suis La Belette De Personne

Before Serena can once again launch into the story of the ring, which you know she's about to, we cut to Dan and Nate getting broactive on a rooftop in matching plaid shirts, drinking mojitos and wondering what on earth they are going to do about Serena. Does Dan want her? Not really, he's got ninety-nine problems of which bitches are merely two. Does Nate want her? Nate would settle for Dan, frankly, or whoever is in front of his eyeballs, which right now is Juliet Sharp, so he doesn't really care. The only person that actually cares even a little is Gossip Girl, and she's acting loopier than she has in a while. So then what are they going to do? Dan is going to stay with Vanessa, and Nate is going to blow him on the roof and then go downstairs and make a sandwich. The real thick Dagwood kind, with everything he can find in the fridge. Little does he know it's all Vanessa Abrams health food store shit in there now. He'll be disappointed, and then he won't.

Eva can't take her eyes off the gorgeous socialite in the red ballgown rushing past her into the train station, or the ugly pink diamond necklace around her neck that is probably worth about a trillion dollars and which my friend Martha pointed out is totally stolen. Or maybe they were like, "Prince Grimaldi told us she might do this. Put it on his tab." And then following behind the gorgeous brunette, those same boobs from earlier, followed in turn by the mysterious lady who visited their shanty earlier today in the middle of the murder investigation she was solving. "I knew it was too good to be true," closed-captioning purports her to say. "Who is she?"

Well, Danielle Rousseau, that is a long motherfucking story. Suffice to say that either they will both be dead shortly, or your Prince-impersonating boyfriend is going to have his fifth epiphany this week. Hope the clothes you bought for India are equally appropriate for New York City... Or shame. What would Harry Potter do? Sia is the violins of our generation. You can hear her singing about her sad hurt feelings even now, Eva. I think we both know how this is going down.

"Just because you're dressed poorly doesn't mean you're not Chuck Bass," Blair says. You can tell she's nervous because it's both a shitty opener and also patently untrue. In fact, he has never been hotter. Those French peasants can tailor your shit like it's on fire. Chuck says that, regardless, he doesn't want to be Chuck Bass. Also, why does she care that he got shot? She's certainly capable of doing it herself. Then another shitty line, whose success is down completely to Meester: "I have, many times. In my dreams. The good ones."

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