Music Room. Rachel and Finn -- dressed up as a nun and a priest, respectively -- unleash their carefully prepared obnoxiously bad/badly obnoxious duet upon the rest of the class, and it's Billy Preston and Syreeta Wright's "With You I'm Born Again," and it's exactly as gross at that set-up sounds. So gross, in fact, that it leaves Mercedes, Sam, Tina, Quinn, Mr. Schue, and yours truly with an overwhelming desire to punch Rachel and Finn in the face. Rachel and Finn are shocked -- shocked -- at the others' reactions, and take to their seats, abashed, all the while hoping this gruesome mishap doesn't cost them the competition. Eager to get things back on track after the late atrocity, Mr. Schue calls on Sam and Quinn for their competition entry, and it's "Lucky," an unbearably twee bit of nonsense from Jason Mraz that leaves yours truly and exactly no one else with an overwhelming desire to punch Sam and Quinn in the face. And as she basks in the wrongheaded adulation of her peers, Quinn allows her hand to linger in Sam's for just a moment too long before we head into the next commercial break.
McKinley High Hall, and this is just brain-bakingly stupid, so I'm going to speed through most of it. Long story short, Artie breaks up with Brittany, because he found out that she's using him for his voice, and that's the only reason she had sex with him. And just how did Artie find out that Brittany's using him for his voice, and that's the only reason she had sex with him?
"She's using you for your voice," Santana tells Artie after we've smeared over to the cafeteria. "That's the only reason she had sex with you." "How do you know that?" Artie challenges. Santana taps a passing sixteenth-year senior on the shoulder and asks the rapidly aging gent if he knows Brittany. "Cheerios Brittany?" he eyebrows before confirming, "Yeah, we had sex." "Look," Santana continues, refocusing her attention on Artie, "I don't mean to be a bitch -- well, yeah, actually I do -- but the only thing that you can give Brittany that she can't get somewhere else is super-choice parking."
And when we smear back to the present, Artie unloads this complete line of utter bullshit about how precious his stupid virginity was to him, and how much he hates Brittany now for not understanding that, and I hate him so much right now that I just want him to wheel his goddamned sanctimonious ass off a cliff. And then I want Gaylord and Tina to tap-dance on his crippled grave. Especially because Brittany really wanted to take him to BreadstiX? So she could order them one really-really long piece of spaghetti, like in Lady And The Tramp? 'Cause she's been practicing? Nudging the meatball across the table? With her nose? Fuck you, Artie.